Let's get beyond the indisputable hygiene question. (If you are ever in a convenience store at 3 a.m. in Hillbilly Country and have unclogged nasal passages, you'll probably disagree with me ignoring this detriment.)
We at the Anti-Hillbilly Association (A-HA) are proving that the hillbilly and his ilk cost decent, hard-working Americans trillions of dollars.
To begin with, there is an inverse ratio between the amount of hillbillies in a given area and property values. If a hillbilly
moves into your neighborhood or the government sanctions a GSHB (Government Subsidized Hillbilly) housing project nearby, expect your property value to plummet like the stake of a condemned sign planted in soft mud.We estimate that there are 4 million hillbilly residents in the U.S. If there are ten properties in that neighborhood, that makes 40 million afflicted properties. At $100,000 per property, that's about $4 trillion. If property values go down 10 percent a year, that's $400 billion each and every time the sun makes it's annual trek around the earth, as the hillbilly believes!
Secondly, the GSHB is a two-time losing proposition for the American taxpayer. Not only is he or she losing property value, but, is actually paying for the privilege of losing money on their property! And, this government waste actually creates more hillbillies.
These revelations raise uneasy questions, no doubt.
Can we stop this cascading spiral into hillbilly bedlam?
Yes. There are solutions.
Are these solutions doable?
Yes, they are.
Palatable solutions for the tender American heart?
Perhaps not.
But, we will explore both the vexing presence of the hillbilly and solutions to the Hillbilly Question in future posts.
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2 comments:
This reminds me of my first A.A. meeting but I have to say it "I am related to some hillbillies." They were not born that way but as time went on, they went "native" so to speak. Here in Central Pennsylvania Appalachia.
It started out slowly but before we knew it we couldn't save them. We knew that it was over when they decided it was more important for little Elroy to have new four-wheeler than a secondary education. Today we tell people that we are just distant "cuzzins." They are an embarrassment-I envy those with just a crazy aunt in the closet.
I drive by their shack {a nice house at one time} occasionally and observe their strange customs. The front yard "burning of the trash ritual" is held each Saturday morning as their clothes dry on the line only yards away.
At least with an alcoholic you can have an intervention.
You don't have to be ashamed of the hillbilly nuts that fell from the family tree.
You only need to join us and be prepared for some hillbilly tough love when the time comes.
Perhaps we will find a 12-step method or an intervention that will slow down the hillbilly menace.
Step one. Hide welfare check under work boots.
Thanks for sharing!
Smartacus
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