Setting the Record Straight

I often share the many, many stories of hillbilly hi jinx with my friends.
Recently, after telling a story, my friend said, "What... is the guy retarded or something?"

I was a little taken aback. Special needs kids get a lot of grief in life, do they really deserve to be lumped in with the hillbilly? It's unfair and mean.
In fact, when retarded kids make fun of people they call them "hillbillies."
The difference between the hillbilly and the special needs kid is vast.
Here are just a couple of examples:
Many special needs kids are gainfully employed... The Hillbilly? Not so much.
The special needs kids will engage in sports and recreational activities. Since pretending you're a NASCAR racer by driving your beat-up car through town and boxing your girlfriend around are not technically "sports," the hillbilly avoids exercise. (Note: There is no such thing as the Hillbilly Olympics.)
Special needs kids show some degree of responsibility. The hillbilly is paid by the government to be irresponsible.
Special needs kids are aware of hygiene issues. The hillbilly believes hygiene is a greeting for a dude named Gene.
Finally, special needs kids warrant our help and pity.
The hillbilly? Not so much.

The Hillbilly Equation

There are several ways to assess the fact that the Hillbilly is a detriment to our society.
Let's get beyond the indisputable hygiene question. (If you are ever in a convenience store at 3 a.m. in Hillbilly Country and have unclogged nasal passages, you'll probably disagree with me ignoring this detriment.)
We at the Anti-Hillbilly Association (A-HA) are proving that the hillbilly and his ilk cost decent, hard-working Americans trillions of dollars.
To begin with, there is an inverse ratio between the amount of hillbillies in a given area and property values. If a hillbilly moves into your neighborhood or the government sanctions a GSHB (Government Subsidized Hillbilly) housing project nearby, expect your property value to plummet like the stake of a condemned sign planted in soft mud.
We estimate that there are 4 million hillbilly residents in the U.S. If there are ten properties in that neighborhood, that makes 40 million afflicted properties. At $100,000 per property, that's about $4 trillion. If property values go down 10 percent a year, that's $400 billion each and every time the sun makes it's annual trek around the earth, as the hillbilly believes!
Secondly, the GSHB is a two-time losing proposition for the American taxpayer. Not only is he or she losing property value, but, is actually paying for the privilege of losing money on their property! And, this government waste actually creates more hillbillies.
These revelations raise uneasy questions, no doubt.
Can we stop this cascading spiral into hillbilly bedlam?
Yes. There are solutions.
Are these solutions doable?
Yes, they are.
Palatable solutions for the tender American heart?
Perhaps not.
But, we will explore both the vexing presence of the hillbilly and solutions to the Hillbilly Question in future posts.

The Hillbilly. My Struggle.

This blog is dedicated to a creature called the Hillbilly.
Both male and female hillbillies come in varied shapes and sizes; but, generally speaking, the hillbilly is squat, fat, hairy, unbathed, and smelly.
The Native Americans called him Sasquatch, or "he who smells and is always short on rent" and most Sasquatch sitings today are nothing more than a Hillbilly who lost his way in the woods.
Hillbillies generally adhere to rural areas where limited legal restrictions and a noticeable lack of land covenants allow the Hillbilly to collect junked cars, rusted refrigerators, rusted swingsets (that they're children are forbid to play on) and other items that to the non-hillbilly are considered junk, but he considers treasure.
The Hillbilly has primitive vocalizations--grunts and growls. When the Hillbilly begins to vocalize he often starts with a high pitched squeal, thusly: "Youuu gunna..." and completes the semi-coherent rabble.
In the coming months and years, we will explore the Hillbilly in depth.
How do I know so much about the Hillbilly? I live among them. And I must pass on these lessons so you never do.
Our next lesson will be what is the difference between a Government-Subsidized Hillbilly (GSHB) and the common semi-domesticated Hillbilly?