Setting the Record Straight

I often share the many, many stories of hillbilly hi jinx with my friends.
Recently, after telling a story, my friend said, "What... is the guy retarded or something?"

I was a little taken aback. Special needs kids get a lot of grief in life, do they really deserve to be lumped in with the hillbilly? It's unfair and mean.
In fact, when retarded kids make fun of people they call them "hillbillies."
The difference between the hillbilly and the special needs kid is vast.
Here are just a couple of examples:
Many special needs kids are gainfully employed... The Hillbilly? Not so much.
The special needs kids will engage in sports and recreational activities. Since pretending you're a NASCAR racer by driving your beat-up car through town and boxing your girlfriend around are not technically "sports," the hillbilly avoids exercise. (Note: There is no such thing as the Hillbilly Olympics.)
Special needs kids show some degree of responsibility. The hillbilly is paid by the government to be irresponsible.
Special needs kids are aware of hygiene issues. The hillbilly believes hygiene is a greeting for a dude named Gene.
Finally, special needs kids warrant our help and pity.
The hillbilly? Not so much.

Springtime in Hillbillyland

Well. It's almost springtime and the hillbillies are stirring.
For the government subsidized hillbilly, who has spent most of the cold winter cooped inside his Section-8 shacks fornicating and getting drunk (not necessarily in that order), this is a great time to be alive.
If you had a beautiful spring day off, I'm sure you would find a hobby or indulge your current hobbies; not so, for the hillbilly, who has all day, every day off.
No, the hillbilly just can't seem to make it off the porch. It is as if an invisible force field of laziness has restrained the hillbilly to his porch or stoop, like a leash on a dog. This is one reason why the hillbilly's porch is so cluttered. They really wanted to throw those broken toys away... they just couldn't... seem... to... make... it... off... the... porch.
You'll see the early hillbilly riser on his stoop when you go to work. His mind feverishly at working at solving the great mystery of the day--how to buy a pack of cigarettes without expending any energy.
When you come home from work, the hillbillies are out in full force, the only thing missing is the poor special needs banjo boy from Deliverance. (He wouldn't even be seen with government subsidized hillbillies.)
Just think, you probably spent an hour a day working so that these hillbillies could enjoy this carefree lifestyle.
I think every hillbilly should be forced to stretch a banner across the front of his or her porch that reads, "Thank you, American worker."
Although, it would probably take no time for the hillbilly to hide the banner behind broken bicycle parts, ash trays, tattered Halloween decorations, and a film of tobacco spit.