Stuff Hillbillies Like: Undiagnosable Medical Conditions

I cain't concentrate and all I got is a lousy banjo.

Hillbillies are very unsophisticated, scientifically speaking. They can't even pronounce the word, sophisticated.

But Hillbillies can suddenly recite strings of complex medical terminology when the need arises; and the need arises when they can receive money without any visible form of labor. Suddenly they speak, at length, of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and repetitive stress injuries (RSIs), along with a dizzying display of related acronyms. Why? The government offers them money for their children's fake maladies and for their own disabilities.

Hillbillies prefer conditions that are as undiagnosable as possible and that have easily-mimicked symptoms, especially symptoms their non-savvy, slack-jawed youngsters can fake. For instance, Hillbillies can make their children seem hyperactive by bolstering their already low-tolerance for concentrated mental activity with high amounts of caffeine.

Back injuries are the goal for most adult Hillbillies. The complexity of the spinal column, along with the natural abhorrence that medical professionals have with Hillbilly visits to their practices, make it easy for a doctor to diagnose a questionable back injury.

Hillbillies can easily fake a back injury by saying this: "Ow. My back." That simple phrase is worth about $800 a month and ushers in a lifelong commitment to shirking. A Hillbilly with the same injury can carry in multiple kegs of beer for his or her own personal use, but, when in public, let's say at a party with lots of able-bodied people around to do the toting, he can suddenly suffer a relapse. The conversation generally goes like this:

Non-injured Hillbilly: Say, Billy Ray can ya's tote in the beer from da
truck?
Pretend-injured Hillbilly: Ow. My back.
Non-injured Hillbilly: Oh, no. D'dit give out on ya agin? Maybe grandma can
fetch the keg.
Pretend-injured: Can she bring over the rack of ribs for me, too?

This will continue until grandma learns to say, "Ow. My back."