Stuff Hillbillies Like: Fleeting Religious Beliefs

You probably think that the stuff that hillbillies like are incompatible with religious obligations. After all, hillbillies busy schedule of drinking, drug abuse, monster truck competitions and marital infidelity give them little time to engage in religious practice.

But, that's where you're wrong. Hillbillies carve out a nook for religion when under duress or when plotting revenge.

For the hillbilly, Jesus is a sort of voodoo hitman, a threatening god of vengeance who exacts justice when a husband strays into the local strip joint or in-laws make unrequested assessments of parental skills during a child's birthday party that suddenly explode into boozy inter-familial brawls.

When those incidents occur, the hillbilly will immediately re-orient herself with the Christian religion and pray for God to make testicles whither or cause a fiery motorcycle to smash into the center window of the in-laws double-wide.

Religion is useful to the hillbilly as a auxiliary Welfare agency. The hillbillies devotion to religion is cyclical; it begins when local church food banks about three days before Thanksgiving and reaches a peak during the Salvation Army's holiday gift drive.

The devotion lasts until January 2. Or, maybe a quick visit to church for some Super Bowl Sunday snacks.