Stuff Hillbillies Like: Multiculturalism, So Long As Drinking Is Involved

Hillbillies aren't particularly Irish and aren't particularly Catholic. They will be tonight, though.

The celebration of St. Patrick's Day is indicative of the hillbilly's ability to turn any holiday into an excuse to drink until medical intervention is required. Go into any backwoods bar tonight and you'll find hillbillies face down on the bar, a little plastic green hat askew and a little vomit caked on their L.E.D.-lit shamrock pin.

On St. Patrick's Day, like other holiday, the hillbilly will push past religious differences and intolerance, forgive years of cultural imperialism, and raise a toast to America's multicultural tapestry.

Hillbillies could solve any long-standing cultural grudge with an alcohol-fueled binge. Trouble in Israel? Have a few beers on Yom Kippur. War in Iraq? Knock back some brewskies on the Prophet's birthday?

Hillbillies will show their solidarity for people in Tibet by getting bombed on the Chinese New Year.

As the environment becomes a more hot button issue, expect to find hillbillies passed out on you lawn after a vicious Arbor Day celebration.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Bouts of Holiday Domestic Violence

Ah. There's nothing like being home for the holidays.

In the lifeways of the hillbilly, there's nothing like being home for the holidays, being excessively whiskey drunk for the holidays and exaggerating your aggressive tendencies for the holidays.

The period between Christmas and New Years sees an uptick in hillbilly-on-hillbilly violence. Frying pan assaults skyrocket. Brother hits brother. Sister hits brother punching brother holding down father who was beating mother.

Usually, these incidents, while fueled by liquor with the same alcohol content as jet fuel, are actually started because one member of the family expressed his/her distaste for another member of the family's pasta salad at a holiday get-together. Or, alternatively, the male head of the household spent all the Christmas money on liquoring up some bar skank he met at the local bar/IHop/hardware store/high school parking lot (please choose one).

All of this leads to the hillbilly holiday trifecta: the festive assault-murder-suicide.

Why do the holidays bring out the worst in the hillbilly? After all, how often are cops called in to break up the Jewish family's Hanukkah party?

I believe that it's just a cheap way for hillbillies to see the festive, pretty red and blue lights of a police cruiser.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Flags That Signal Seasonal Allegiances

Yay! I support turkey

Many people raise flags that salute the United States or the country of their ancestry.
In Hillbilly land, these fleeting allegiances change over the months.
Besides the potential re-emergence of the Confederacy, hillbillies raise their flags to support climatic changes.
Hillbillies say: I support Autumn.
Or, I'm glad it's summer and there are flowers.
It's winter ! Salute!
The only time you'll see an American flag on Hillbilly property is around the Fourth of July, but it is not a symbol of national independence, rather its meaning is "Yay! One more reason to get drunk and engage in spousal abuse!"

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Weird, Christmas Iconic Juxtapositions

Tigger dances the "Yay Jesus, It's Your Birthday" dance.

One things hillbillies love: Christmas juxtapositions that would make Salvador Dali scratch his head.

Recently I saw a manger scene overshadowed by a menacing 7-foot tall inflatable penguin with a Santa hat. Perhaps the penguin was an angelic spirit sent to protect the little baby Jesus; but, the menacing smile appeared he was of a malicious bent.

In another yard, Frosty the Snowman stands perilously close to a raging torch, perhaps lit by ashes from his corn cob pipe, a major health hazard for snowmen and women.

Jesus, I was led to believe, was born in Bethlehem. According to hillbillies, he was born in the North Pole, on Candy Cane Lane.

Wire-framed reindeer share yard space with polar bears in the hillbilly iconography, even though in the natural environs, the reindeer is food for the polar bear.

Interesting and ironic holiday yard art is merely a visual representation of the bizarro world of the hillbilly where abled-bodied people use scooters, cars sit on blocks and homes ride on wheels.

Check out Tacky Christmas Yards to explore more about our surrealist holiday hillbillies.