Stuff Hillbillies Like: Analog Television

It's hard for the hillbilly to say goodbye to certain things.

Like the rims off the tires of some 1970s-era muscle car that rust in the front yard.

Or the old lady moo-moo, a fashion style that slips easily from the bedroom to caseworker waiting room.

Some hillbillies have a hard time saying goodbye to people. That's why the Protection From Abuse, or the PFA, order was invented.

But, nothing has been harder to say goodbye to than analog television.

Congress is asking all of America to wait a a few months while hillbillies says their final farewells to their cherished analog signal and rabbit ears.

In some instances, these rabbit ears have looked after hillbilly children more than their parents have, especially during the hillbilly holiday season, which starts right after the Daytona 500.

The government has tried many tactics to get the hillbilly to part with his analog television, even offering him coupon so he could roll off the couch and get a converter box.

The hillbilly's love can not be bought or sold, unless alcohol is involved.

Many Americans are upset with the hillbillies, blaming them for tying up progress to the 21st century.

But, our Congress men and women assure us there are good reasons.

If the hillbilly's television goes dead after the conversion, he might not be able to watch the two good stations and decide to go outside.

Once outside, he may decide to do something productive with his free time, like get a job.

If he gets a job he may become a taxpayer instead of a tax consumer.

If the hillbilly becomes a productive contributor to society, all the people who voted on the analog extension might lost their jobs and become unemployed hillbillies.

And they could never say goodbye to digital cable.