Stuff Hillbillies Like: Date Night Sweaters and Baseball Hats

Tim Gunn on the lookout for Hillbilly fashion trends.

With Valentine's Day just over, it was interesting to see the hillbilly male in a dating capacity.

It's the one day of the year where hillbilly women force their men into a romantic encounter that doesn't include a six-pack of beer and the back of a four-wheel drive vehicle that just happened to be unlocked in the parking lot of the local bar or tavern.

In order for this to be considered a date, the hillbilly male must dress to the nines, or in his case, the four-and-a-halfs.

Hillbilly date night ensemble includes:

1. Blue jeans
2. Sweater, sleeves pushed back
3. Baseball hat

The sweater says, "I'm semi-formal."

The baseball hat says, "Oh, no, you're not."

The blue jeans say, "I think you're both idiots."

(There are variations. For instance, the Southern hillbilly may nonchalantly stack his mirrored-wrap-around sunglasses on the brim of his baseball cap. Tres chic, no?)

Once properly attired, the hillbilly couple travels to a chain restaurant, like Red Lobster, Olive Garden, or, for those who are just embarking on a non-committal date night, Wendy's. Primed by consuming cheap beers and wine coolers in the parking lot, the couple hits the restaurant with romantic gusto once reserved for sailors being met on the docks by wives, girlfriends, and seaside sex industry workers.

The hillbilly couple enjoys the expanded fair of the chain restaurant and the added attention their open-mouth kissing earns from families and non-hillbilly couples.

Where the hillbilly goes out on a date is uncertain. However, the rest of the date will conclude with the following:

• Illegitimate birth
• Substance-abused fueled fight
• PFA

Not necessarily in that order.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Analog Television

It's hard for the hillbilly to say goodbye to certain things.

Like the rims off the tires of some 1970s-era muscle car that rust in the front yard.

Or the old lady moo-moo, a fashion style that slips easily from the bedroom to caseworker waiting room.

Some hillbillies have a hard time saying goodbye to people. That's why the Protection From Abuse, or the PFA, order was invented.

But, nothing has been harder to say goodbye to than analog television.

Congress is asking all of America to wait a a few months while hillbillies says their final farewells to their cherished analog signal and rabbit ears.

In some instances, these rabbit ears have looked after hillbilly children more than their parents have, especially during the hillbilly holiday season, which starts right after the Daytona 500.

The government has tried many tactics to get the hillbilly to part with his analog television, even offering him coupon so he could roll off the couch and get a converter box.

The hillbilly's love can not be bought or sold, unless alcohol is involved.

Many Americans are upset with the hillbillies, blaming them for tying up progress to the 21st century.

But, our Congress men and women assure us there are good reasons.

If the hillbilly's television goes dead after the conversion, he might not be able to watch the two good stations and decide to go outside.

Once outside, he may decide to do something productive with his free time, like get a job.

If he gets a job he may become a taxpayer instead of a tax consumer.

If the hillbilly becomes a productive contributor to society, all the people who voted on the analog extension might lost their jobs and become unemployed hillbillies.

And they could never say goodbye to digital cable.