I Hate Hillbillies

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Armed Standoffs

2009-06-25T16:02:00.008-04:00

Hillbillies are bound by some sort of code that covers not only how they live their lives of squalid excess, but also outline the ways they die, usually in exuberant depression.

While the code is unwritten and is decipherable only by the hillfolk, there are some magnificent acts that serve as a redneck Rosetta Stone for those of us who wish to know the hillbilly, but lie just outside of this genetically-shallow gene pool.

Hillbillies honor this code by choosing not to end their lives silently and respectfully, but to shuffle off the mortal coil in the most expressive and expensive way possible: the armed standoff. The armed standoff generally starts off innocently enough with a liberal mixture of booze and prescription medicine, along with copious quantities of cable television programming, including Lifetime.

Any emotional incident can trigger the armed standoff: a soured relationship, the repossession of a favorite pickup truck, or, as is more often the case, a deepening suspicion that the government may be using miniature helicopters disguised as bumble bees to spy on their pocket knife collection.

The armed stand off starts when the hillbilly barricades himself in his house or trailer. Then, he calls 911 to tell the police that he is, indeed, barricaded in his house or trailer. So, as not to totally ruin the surprise, the hillbilly is cagey about the amount of arms he possesses and the ultimate intention of his actions.

It's generally referred to as "goin' down in a blaze of glory," which fills the mind of the hillbilly up with visions of Jon Bon Jovi in a cowboy hat, asleep on a private jet.

Much to the chagrin of the hillbilly neighbors, the police must show up in the early morning hours, in force. Police cruisers, SWAT trucks, fire apparatus, water mules, ice cream trucks, motorcycles with sidecars, clown cars, helicopters, and a few tractor-trailers.

Back in the day, the cops would rush to the window and toss in a telephone that would serve as a means of communication between the hillbilly and a negotiator. Now, despite refusing to pay for adequate health care, the hillbilly will spend hundreds on cell phone and texting service. The cops just call the cell and wait for the Korn ring tone.

After tedious negotiations, the cops will then call in "relations" who will try to talk the hillbilly out safely. The standoff usually ends peacefully, with the hillbilly exiting the premises expecting to be greeted with hugs and high-fives from friends and family. The police, however, proceed to slam him to the ground and hogtie him faster than a rodeo heifer.

On the odd chance that the situation does not resolve peacefully and the hillbilly actually dies, the grief will spawn survivors into a heightened round of boozing and country music.

Followed by another armed standoff.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Dirt

2009-06-09T05:09:00.003-04:00

As evidenced by their sports, their vehicles, their homes and trailers, and their bodies, hillbillies like dirt. And all its multitudinous forms: dust, mud, filth, grime, and grit.

A hillbilly wants nothing better than to spend--the culturally insensitive might say "waste"--his or her Saturday afternoons driving a vehicle through mud. The more exposed that vehicle can be to the elements, the better. The hillbilly will ride small, open, four-wheel vehicles in the mud so he can become caked in the sacred substance.

The hillbilly likes to call this vehicle an "all terrain vehicle." Terrain, after all, is just a fancy city word for "mud."

It's better known, though, as an ATV because terrain is hard to pronounce and it sounds vaguely French.

ATVs are responsible for more than just dirty hillbillies, though; the ATV is the cause of injured hillbillies. Despite days and days spent riding aimlessly in the hills and valleys and who could forget the "hollahs," hillbillies seem unable to master the art of avoiding trees and telephone poles in their four-wheel Medicaid machines.

Fortunately for the hillbilly, the government subsidizes their recuperation time to the tune of billions of dollars each year. Unfortunately, it's time spent in a clean, sterile and booze-free environment: a hospital.

And that's no fun.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Multiculturalism, So Long As Drinking Is Involved

2009-03-17T05:54:00.003-04:00

Hillbillies aren't particularly Irish and aren't particularly Catholic. They will be tonight, though.

The celebration of St. Patrick's Day is indicative of the hillbilly's ability to turn any holiday into an excuse to drink until medical intervention is required. Go into any backwoods bar tonight and you'll find hillbillies face down on the bar, a little plastic green hat askew and a little vomit caked on their L.E.D.-lit shamrock pin.

On St. Patrick's Day, like other holiday, the hillbilly will push past religious differences and intolerance, forgive years of cultural imperialism, and raise a toast to America's multicultural tapestry.

Hillbillies could solve any long-standing cultural grudge with an alcohol-fueled binge. Trouble in Israel? Have a few beers on Yom Kippur. War in Iraq? Knock back some brewskies on the Prophet's birthday?

Hillbillies will show their solidarity for people in Tibet by getting bombed on the Chinese New Year.

As the environment becomes a more hot button issue, expect to find hillbillies passed out on you lawn after a vicious Arbor Day celebration.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Date Night Sweaters and Baseball Hats

2009-02-20T13:21:00.005-05:00

Tim Gunn on the lookout for Hillbilly fashion trends.

With Valentine's Day just over, it was interesting to see the hillbilly male in a dating capacity.

It's the one day of the year where hillbilly women force their men into a romantic encounter that doesn't include a six-pack of beer and the back of a four-wheel drive vehicle that just happened to be unlocked in the parking lot of the local bar or tavern.

In order for this to be considered a date, the hillbilly male must dress to the nines, or in his case, the four-and-a-halfs.

Hillbilly date night ensemble includes:

Blue jeans
Sweater, sleeves pushed back
Baseball hat

The sweater says, "I'm semi-formal."

The baseball hat says, "Oh, no, you're not."

The blue jeans say, "I think you're both idiots."

(There are variations. For instance, the Southern hillbilly may nonchalantly stack his mirrored-wrap-around sunglasses on the brim of his baseball cap. Tres chic, no?)

Once properly attired, the hillbilly couple travels to a chain restaurant, like Red Lobster, Olive Garden, or, for those who are just embarking on a non-committal date night, Wendy's. Primed by consuming cheap beers and wine coolers in the parking lot, the couple hits the restaurant with romantic gusto once reserved for sailors being met on the docks by wives, girlfriends, and seaside sex industry workers.

The hillbilly couple enjoys the expanded fair of the chain restaurant and the added attention their open-mouth kissing earns from families and non-hillbilly couples.

Where the hillbilly goes out on a date is uncertain. However, the rest of the date will conclude with the following:

Illegitimate birth
Substance-abused fueled fight
PFA

Not necessarily in that order.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Analog Television

2009-02-05T12:25:00.008-05:00

It's hard for the hillbilly to say goodbye to certain things.

Like the rims off the tires of some 1970s-era muscle car that rust in the front yard.

Or the old lady moo-moo, a fashion style that slips easily from the bedroom to caseworker waiting room.

Some hillbillies have a hard time saying goodbye to people. That's why the Protection From Abuse, or the PFA, order was invented.

But, nothing has been harder to say goodbye to than analog television.

Congress is asking all of America to wait a a few months while hillbillies says their final farewells to their cherished analog signal and rabbit ears.

In some instances, these rabbit ears have looked after hillbilly children more than their parents have, especially during the hillbilly holiday season, which starts right after the Daytona 500.

The government has tried many tactics to get the hillbilly to part with his analog television, even offering him coupon so he could roll off the couch and get a converter box.

The hillbilly's love can not be bought or sold, unless alcohol is involved.

Many Americans are upset with the hillbillies, blaming them for tying up progress to the 21st century.

But, our Congress men and women assure us there are good reasons.

If the hillbilly's television goes dead after the conversion, he might not be able to watch the two good stations and decide to go outside.

Once outside, he may decide to do something productive with his free time, like get a job.

If he gets a job he may become a taxpayer instead of a tax consumer.

If the hillbilly becomes a productive contributor to society, all the people who voted on the analog extension might lost their jobs and become unemployed hillbillies.

And they could never say goodbye to digital cable.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Talking Really Loud About Stuff They Like

2009-01-17T15:29:00.007-05:00

Because a hillbilly can barely read or write, she indulges the one form of communication that doesn't tax the use of neurons: talking.

Have you ever seen a child who mastered the ability to ride a bike. The child bursts in wild exuberance and pedals madly, screaming at the top of his lungs. Now watch a hillbilly female yucking it up with friends at a Bob Evans, the well-named Cracker Barrel or other note hillbilly feed trough.

It's the same juvenile excitement. It's like it's the first day with her new mouth.

Don't mind being impolite. Go ahead and listen in. It would be like trying to ignore a low-flying 747. The hillbilly wants you to listen to her travails and victories. She'll talk about the deal she got on feminine hygiene products at Walgreen. She'll propose welfare reforms to better support her and her children. She'll wonder aloud when her disability check with come.

The hillbilly is even louder on the cell phone. You wonder why she needs it at all. Her voice can
carry at least a time zone.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Middle Names

2008-12-27T09:56:00.004-05:00

Hilbillies are rarely creative. They tend to celebrate destruction with all the passion of a crack-fueled chimpanzee does.

Hillbillies revel at videos of high-speed chases, although some of it is to catch an image of the relatives. They invented smash-up derby, which combines two of their favorite loves: self-mutilation and pulling down an item's intrinsic value.

Some hillbillies believe that the oldest profession is Professional Wrestling, which they follow with a religious fervor. Again, the notion of destruction enthralls the hillbilly.

Creative writing, it would seem, just wouldn't appeal to the hillbilly. And, you're right: prose and poetry are beyond the hillbilly. Except if it's the creation of middle names for their newly-born social pariah.

Here the hillbilly becomes a Be-bop jazz-fusion artist. A hillbilly mother will often insert several middle names into their male children: Billy Bob Joe-Joe, Joe Bob John-John, or Dale Earnhardt Bob... The list and variations go on like the riffs of a Miles Davis sonic soul exploration.

Why so many middle names? It's actually because the female hillbilly is trying to hedge her bets in actually using the name of the child's father in the middle-name string. She usually starts with all of her first cousins and works up the family tree, making careful notation to add the supposed names any traveling carnival workers.

This theory is further verified in the hillbilly approach to naming a female hill-baby. Names include Sue Ellen Bob, Billie Joe Bob, Bobbie Jo Billy, etc.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Fleeting Religious Beliefs

2008-12-20T05:37:00.012-05:00

You probably think that the stuff that hillbillies like are incompatible with religious obligations. After all, hillbillies busy schedule of drinking, drug abuse, monster truck competitions and marital infidelity give them little time to engage in religious practice.

But, that's where you're wrong. Hillbillies carve out a nook for religion when under duress or when plotting revenge.

For the hillbilly, Jesus is a sort of voodoo hitman, a threatening god of vengeance who exacts justice when a husband strays into the local strip joint or in-laws make unrequested assessments of parental skills during a child's birthday party that suddenly explode into boozy inter-familial brawls.

When those incidents occur, the hillbilly will immediately re-orient herself with the Christian religion and pray for God to make testicles whither or cause a fiery motorcycle to smash into the center window of the in-laws double-wide.

Religion is useful to the hillbilly as a auxiliary Welfare agency. The hillbillies devotion to religion is cyclical; it begins when local church food banks about three days before Thanksgiving and reaches a peak during the Salvation Army's holiday gift drive.

The devotion lasts until January 2. Or, maybe a quick visit to church for some Super Bowl Sunday snacks.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Undiagnosable Medical Conditions

2008-12-20T05:34:00.011-05:00

I cain't concentrate and all I got is a lousy banjo.

Hillbillies are very unsophisticated, scientifically speaking. They can't even pronounce the word, sophisticated.

But Hillbillies can suddenly recite strings of complex medical terminology when the need arises; and the need arises when they can receive money without any visible form of labor. Suddenly they speak, at length, of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and repetitive stress injuries (RSIs), along with a dizzying display of related acronyms. Why? The government offers them money for their children's fake maladies and for their own disabilities.

Hillbillies prefer conditions that are as undiagnosable as possible and that have easily-mimicked symptoms, especially symptoms their non-savvy, slack-jawed youngsters can fake. For instance, Hillbillies can make their children seem hyperactive by bolstering their already low-tolerance for concentrated mental activity with high amounts of caffeine.

Back injuries are the goal for most adult Hillbillies. The complexity of the spinal column, along with the natural abhorrence that medical professionals have with Hillbilly visits to their practices, make it easy for a doctor to diagnose a questionable back injury.

Hillbillies can easily fake a back injury by saying this: "Ow. My back." That simple phrase is worth about $800 a month and ushers in a lifelong commitment to shirking. A Hillbilly with the same injury can carry in multiple kegs of beer for his or her own personal use, but, when in public, let's say at a party with lots of able-bodied people around to do the toting, he can suddenly suffer a relapse. The conversation generally goes like this:

Non-injured Hillbilly: Say, Billy Ray can ya's tote in the beer from da
truck?
Pretend-injured Hillbilly: Ow. My back.
Non-injured Hillbilly: Oh, no. D'dit give out on ya agin? Maybe grandma can
fetch the keg.
Pretend-injured: Can she bring over the rack of ribs for me, too?

This will continue until grandma learns to say, "Ow. My back."

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Bouts of Holiday Domestic Violence

2008-12-20T04:37:00.007-05:00

Ah. There's nothing like being home for the holidays.

In the lifeways of the hillbilly, there's nothing like being home for the holidays, being excessively whiskey drunk for the holidays and exaggerating your aggressive tendencies for the holidays.

The period between Christmas and New Years sees an uptick in hillbilly-on-hillbilly violence. Frying pan assaults skyrocket. Brother hits brother. Sister hits brother punching brother holding down father who was beating mother.

Usually, these incidents, while fueled by liquor with the same alcohol content as jet fuel, are actually started because one member of the family expressed his/her distaste for another member of the family's pasta salad at a holiday get-together. Or, alternatively, the male head of the household spent all the Christmas money on liquoring up some bar skank he met at the local bar/IHop/hardware store/high school parking lot (please choose one).

All of this leads to the hillbilly holiday trifecta: the festive assault-murder-suicide.

Why do the holidays bring out the worst in the hillbilly? After all, how often are cops called in to break up the Jewish family's Hanukkah party?

I believe that it's just a cheap way for hillbillies to see the festive, pretty red and blue lights of a police cruiser.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Flags That Signal Seasonal Allegiances

2008-12-12T08:38:00.005-05:00

Yay! I support turkey

Many people raise flags that salute the United States or the country of their ancestry.
In Hillbilly land, these fleeting allegiances change over the months.
Besides the potential re-emergence of the Confederacy, hillbillies raise their flags to support climatic changes.
Hillbillies say: I support Autumn.
Or, I'm glad it's summer and there are flowers.
It's winter ! Salute!
The only time you'll see an American flag on Hillbilly property is around the Fourth of July, but it is not a symbol of national independence, rather its meaning is "Yay! One more reason to get drunk and engage in spousal abuse!"

Stuff Hillibillies Like: Lands-crapping

2008-12-07T05:36:00.005-05:00

Landscaping is when you take a piece of property and through use of care and design make the place more pleasing aesthetically.

Landscrapping is when you make a piece of land worse and drive down property values. It is honored and admired by hillbillies everywhere.

Like Dante's inferno, the hillbilly envisions the space as a series of concentric circles of hell. The general design rules are as follows:

The border space is defined by lines of crap. Half complete fence projects and over-sized satellite television dishes add to the drama.
The second ring is the ring of crap. This lawn space contains everything the hillbilly doesn't have the heart or brains to throw away. It can include deer carcasses, dolls and mannequins, and even automobiles.
At the center, the hillbilly always has a collection of garbage cans and dumpsters, sometimes filled, more than often not. These can be symbols of irony and defiance. Also, laziness.

Stuff Hillbillies Like: Weird, Christmas Iconic Juxtapositions

2008-12-04T06:33:00.003-05:00

Tigger dances the "Yay Jesus, It's Your Birthday" dance.

One things hillbillies love: Christmas juxtapositions that would make Salvador Dali scratch his head.

Recently I saw a manger scene overshadowed by a menacing 7-foot tall inflatable penguin with a Santa hat. Perhaps the penguin was an angelic spirit sent to protect the little baby Jesus; but, the menacing smile appeared he was of a malicious bent.

In another yard, Frosty the Snowman stands perilously close to a raging torch, perhaps lit by ashes from his corn cob pipe, a major health hazard for snowmen and women.

Jesus, I was led to believe, was born in Bethlehem. According to hillbillies, he was born in the North Pole, on Candy Cane Lane.

Wire-framed reindeer share yard space with polar bears in the hillbilly iconography, even though in the natural environs, the reindeer is food for the polar bear.

Interesting and ironic holiday yard art is merely a visual representation of the bizarro world of the hillbilly where abled-bodied people use scooters, cars sit on blocks and homes ride on wheels.

Check out Tacky Christmas Yards to explore more about our surrealist holiday hillbillies.

The Top Ten Ways Hillbillies Celebrate the Holidays

2007-12-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

The holidays are truly for the hillbilly.
How does the hillbilly and his kin celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, the prince of peace?
Well, according to recent local and regional news reports, here are the top ten ways the hillbilly celebrates the holidays:

Engaging in extreme forms of domestic abuse.
Engaging in extreme forms of inner-family relations, i.e. inbreeding.
Breeding with farm animals. (This is why churches never let a hillbilly near the live nativity.)
Drinking heavily
Drinking heavily, then driving the "lead car" in high speed chases.
Robbing oxycontin from pharmacies.
Robbing oxycontin from pharmacies that they then sell to produce meth.
Stealing their children's presents, selling the goods on eBay, then buying oxycontin and meth
Dressing like Santa, since no one can pull off the obese, unshaven look like the hillbilly.
Preparing for New Year's Eve by testing their tolerance of alcohol poisoning.

Here's to a new year without a hillbilly encounter!
Smartacus

The Desperation of the Hillbilly

2007-07-28T09:03:00.000-04:00

There is no look more desperate than the look on a Hillbilly's face as he drives into his favorite convenience store in the morning.
It's part fear, part pain, part panic. A haunted, hunted expression.
Today, I was walking across the parking lot of a convenience store when I saw the first wave of hillbillies. A convoy of beat-up trucks, SUVs, and vans belched into the parking lot. (If you incarcerated half of the drug-addled and drink-embalmed hillbillies, you would have carbon offsets to displace a decent industrial province in China. But, that's another post.)
I was nearly run over twice, but, I managed to make it to my vehicle for the second half of the parade.
Junker after junker zoomed in, catapulted into a parking space (or two), and, just when you thought for sure they were going to crash through glass doors, screeched to a halt.
I didn't feel safe enough to venture back across the lot to find out what the object of such an important mission could be, so I waited for them to exit the store.
Surely, it must be some kind of medicine. Maybe something for their offspring? Some sustenance so important that time was of the very essence.
No...
Coffee.
Carton of cigarettes.
Snuff.
These people were risking their lives (and mine) for this?
Next year, since we can't afford trips to Spain, as we're all working too hard to keep hillbillies in cigarettes and coffee, you're invited to the first ever Running of the Hillbillies, where you can test your manhood running across the store parking lot in the face of rampaging hillbillies.
Ah. Where's Hemingway when you need him.

War on Drugs=War on Poverty.

2007-07-04T08:53:00.000-04:00

The War on Poverty can not be won without a successful war on drugs, and vice-versa.
That's an uncomfortable thought that doesn't appeal to my libertarian side.
And it doesn't sound cool at all. And being cool is more important than being right, just ask Hollywood.
But the truth is the truth, no matter how un-hip, how uncomfortable.
I came to this realization anecdotally and have yet to find any statistics... likely, because it's a dirty, bureaucratic secret that would be deemed too politically incorrect.
Again. Indulge me.
I talked to a few police officers who told me that, roughly, 80 percent of their calls are related to substance abuse. The crimes run the gamut... from mundane (drunk and disorderly) to the violent (assaults, rapes, murder). More importantly, these officers stated that an above average number of these calls originate in low-income and section 8 housing, despite, of course, that most residents do not live in such housing.

You can do your own studies to confirm this. Check out crime stories and the police log in your local paper. I did and the results were shocking. In a recent story on a drug bust, ALL the perps were housed in government-subsidized housing units, even though this was a multi-municipality drug bust.

Let's take it another step: more the number of poor who die from alcohol and drug abuse in a month exceeds the number of soldiers that die in Iraq in a year.
Wow.

Our great and noble WELFARE system is actually ENABLEMENT system. We are paying for people to do drugs. We're, sort of, back-office slave traders who finance the servitude of human beings. We don't want to be troubled with actually helping people; but, we don't want to feel guilty, either.
I'm sure that, right about now, the Welfare proponents would say that drug use is caused by the desperation of poverty.
To which: I respond, "So what?" I am not arguing cause. I am arguing the relationship between poverty and drug and alcohol abuse. Further, if poverty does indeed cause substance abuse; it certainly does not alleviate the desperation of poverty and, actually, exacerbates the pain and hopelessness.
The conclusion is inescapable: a welfare system that is genuinely interested in the welfare of able-bodied men and women must... MUST... ensure that the people avoid harm. Recipients of welfare should be randomly drug tested. And, I'll go further, should be tested for alcohol abuse, as well.
This, is a key element of turning Welfare society into a Betterment society.

Why Socialized Medicine Can't Work

2007-06-28T05:06:00.001-04:00

If you go to see Sicko, the Michael Moore film, and get all hot and bothered about socialized medicine, or as he refers to it, "free medical care," I got news for you:
It won't work.
I've seen government-sanctioned hillbillies in action. And it won't work.
If it's free, they want it all.
They will go to the hospital for every reason. Cold, sniffles, cuts, bruises, VD, you name it.
This will eventually choke the system.
Here's my take: if the government can't handle Medicare, Medicaid, Veteran's hospitals, or Social Security, how can we trust them to take over medical care for the entire nation?

The Hillbilly Inverse Work Ratio

2007-06-27T06:06:00.000-04:00

You rarely see a hillbilly actually working.
They are content to sit back on their trailer porches and watch you pass by on your way to your job, knowing that a goodly portion of your money, once watered down by the sponge of beuraucracy, will make its way into their filthy hands.
On those rare occasions that you do see a hillbilly working, you'll notice something. It's called Smartacus's Hillbilly Inverse Work Ratio.
This law states that for every positive action engaged in by the hillbilly will create an equal opposite action.
For instance, I watched a hillbilly work in the "yard" (actually a weed-infested, junk-filled pit) in the hot sun for over two hours. He was actually sweating!
When he was done, the place looked worse than before.

FREEDOM!!!

2007-06-20T09:30:00.000-04:00

I regret being unable to post in the last few months.
During this time, I plotted my escape from the Hillbilly Kingdom. Within the next few days, I will be moving to a low Hillbilly area.
(And just in time, too. It's fat shorts and shirtless season in the world of the Hillbilly when extra-fat hillbillies flaunt their ample girth.)
But, don't worry I have years of stories and lots of connections to the Hillbilly world to keep this blog going indefinitely!

What I Don't Understand About the Hillbilly

2007-03-29T04:49:00.000-04:00

The hillbilly is a perplexing entity, to say the least. Foreign. Weird.
Here are some of the things I just don't get:

Why do hillbillies extol the virtues of fast cars when their cars are rusting and stuck on blocks in their front yard?
Why is that the fatter hillbilly women are, the less clothes they wear?
Why do hillbillies have multiple dogs and cats... and mistreat all of them?
Why do hillbillies have tractors and pretend to be farmers... and they can't only seem to grow weeds?
Why do hillbillies own pickup trucks... and can't tote the garbage from their porch to a dump?

Indeed, the hillbilly is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, encased in camouflage.

Is The Hillbilly Devolving?

2007-03-27T04:49:00.001-04:00

If you stop by any natural history museum, you will notice that our (we, normal people) ancestors--Cro Magnon, Australopithecus, and even the unrelated Neanderthal--resemble the hillbilly.
Both are hunched, hairy, and barely intelligent. (This surely described the hillbilly women.) All that is missing is the bib overalls and stained t-shirt.
Why is this?
Decades of government subsidies and dependence is rapidly devolving the creature known as the hillbilly into pre-modern man.
And now, my friend, who was among the town hillbilly (Hillbillius Suburbus) reports the second phase of the hillbilly's devolution is now underway.
He reported to me that he saw two grossly overweight hillbillies on scooters ... racing along a busy highway, on their way to WalMart. The government, in all its wisdom, is providing people who are obese with the very thing they do not need, a means to be even lazier.
These hillbillies aren't handicapped... they're fat! They don't need suburban ATVs, they need to get off their ass and walk. Lose a few pounds. Move.
Eventually, the hillbilly will be a mass of fat jiggling in front of a television. They'll be tube fed a mash of Twinkies and malt liquor.

More Hillbillies in the News

2007-03-22T04:58:00.000-04:00

Don't think that all hillbillies are doddering, slobbering, half-brain dead fools; some of them are murderous sodomites... and doddering, slobbering, half-brain dead fools.
Consider the case of the boy in Georgia, who was allegedly killed by a family of his hillbilly neighbors. The son who has just been indicted in this crime is a convicted a child molester. The parents were probably molesters... they just never got caught.
You can read it here.
Here's the charming hillbilly family (from the sheriff department's files):

Apparently, this bunch lived right next to a bus stop. Some do-gooder had a rule that required convicted child molesters live at least 1,000 feet from a bus stop tied up in court. Maybe this person and their lawyers should spend some time in a cell with this Hillbilly Addams family.
There is some good news: it looks as though they're going for the death sentence.

An Uncivil Union

2007-03-21T06:41:00.000-04:00

I am a supporter of Prop 186, which would ban ALL hillbilly marriages and civil unions.
Allowing hillbillies to marry is an abomination to the sanctity of the marriage vows and threatens to legitimize the status of hillbillies in our culture.
In fact, hillbillies do not marry to express love for one another; nor, do they marry to establish a familial unit.
As the following photographic evidence indicates, hillbillies marry to look like idiots and to create yet another excuse to drink and fight (as if four-day binges for Arbor Day and President's Day are not excuse enough).

(Note the dog is the most intelligent, attractive creature in the following photo.)

(This is a hoity-toity hillbilly affair. Notice the groom and cousin of the bride is not bare foot and is, instead, wearing flip-flops, or "rubber treads," as the hillbilly calls them.

(Finally, the hillbilly "theme" wedding, which is usually a reference to the hillbilly's inclination to wanton destruction.)

Hillbilly Haiku

2007-03-20T04:45:00.000-04:00

Ah. More hillbilly hate.
Here's the definition of Hillbilly Haiku by a perceptive user of the Urban Dictionary:

hillbilly haiku

A poem, spoken by hillbillies, that *sounds* something like haiku but doesn't scan like it. A hillbilly haiku doesn't fit the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, or even have three lines, because hillbillies can't count.

This is a fun writing exercise.
Here are a couple of my own Hillbilly Haikus:

didja git yer buck
didja didja?
ma rack's bigger

At car's too quiet
Silence. Unrattled
What I need a muffler fer

Childrens cryin
Nothing to eat
Why they so fat, though?

Old as the Hillbillies

2007-03-18T16:50:00.000-04:00

I went shopping in hillbilly land today.... scary stuff.
The hillbilly was out in all his and her ragged glory.
One observation: the hillbilly does not age gracefully. It seems hillbillies age rather like you and me until about age 14; then, they turn 92. For the female hillbilly, the transformation is quite dramatic--wrinkles appear like a relief map on their face, their hair gets stringy and greasy, and their bodies well up like parade balloons.
When an old hillbilly woman appears, normal children scatter in front of her.
Perhaps this ability to scare children is abhorrent to the Hillbilly male; a full 68 percent of hillbilly males decide to look like Santa Claus as the age. They let their hair and food-embedded beards turn white (although the premature grey could come from looking at their women all the time). Then, they add bib overalls and a camouflage baseball cap to the ensemble to complete the hillbilly Santa Claus look.
The old hillbilly man seems to relish this Santa status and the approving smiles he gets from normal folks. It's as if, for one time in his life, he has received some shred of acceptance from society at large.
I am not sure whether we as a society should embrace this transformation. The Santa billy does seem more mellow than other hillbillies; but, until we can get evidence that the Santa billy showers regularly and is off government assistance, it's still important for parents to train their children to know and despise the hillbilly in all his and her manifestations.

Why the Irish Hate Hillbillies

2007-03-17T05:19:00.000-04:00

St. Patty's day is a great day to celebrate the Irish.
And hate the hillbilly.
Why, you ask?
According to Wikipedia (which is pretty accurate as long as it isn't predicting the deaths of comedians), the term "hillbilly" is derived from a group of Scottish hill people who helped King William III invade Ireland. They were "billy's boys."
Hence the name: Hill... Billy.
Since Ireland is still green and not a huge mud pit, it can be assured that the hillbillies must not have been invited to stay long.

Hillbilly Feng Shui

2007-03-15T17:01:00.000-04:00

According to this contributor to the urban dictionary, Hillbilly Feng Shui is defined as:
"The process of when two (or more) yard jalopies are moved and rearranged so that a new yard jalopy can be added to the space and no extra space is needed. Thus making a more efficient yet messier area."
The hillbilly, or land pig as he is sometimes called, uses his feng shui to counter positive vibes, thereby, upsetting harmony and diminishing beauty. Hillbilly feng shui appeases the four humours of Hillbilly mythology--mud, stench, smoke, and alcohol.
The hillbilly will never place his junkers in a garage or even in his back yard, this would transform disgust, an emotion that he wallows in like the hog of the land that he is.
Many times you pass by the hillbilly's lawn, you remark, "Why does anyone need three junked refrigerators, a box of hubcaps, rusted railroad parts, and a plastic statue of Tweetie in their lawn?" In Hillbilly Feng Shui, lawn junk is accumulated to block the flow of serenity and to inspire frustration and anxiety.
The hillbilly's shack can face north, south, east, or west; but, if you notice, they tend to lean. This negates any balance in his environment.
Such is the way of the Hillbilly. The Tao of inbreds. The Path of the Boob.
(Below is a dramatic example of Hillbilly Feng Shui in action.)

Before Hillbilly Feng Shui...

After Hillbilly Feng Shui:

Sand-Dune-Billies?

2007-03-15T06:20:00.000-04:00

Can you say "consanguinity"?
That's right, boys and girls! I knew that you could!
Consanguinity means that mommies and daddies are related... closely related.
Now, since the dawn of man, hillbillies have been known for their consanguinity. It's been said that the only hillbilly virgin is the girl who can outrun her brothers.
According to a recent study, over the years, consanguinity has become less and less prevalent among the Appalachian hill folk. Why you ask?
Perhaps their females became swifter... Perhaps their brothers and cousins became slower...
More than likely, however, the lure of government checks brought the government-subsidized hillbilly into the lush breeding ground of Welfare Street USA where the genetic gene pool is at least wide, if not deep.
The Right Reason blog indicates there's a new Appalachia. Let's call it Arabachia.
Consanguinity appears to be on the rise in Arab States. You can check out the map here.
Could it be that terrorists are nothing more than inbred, Koran-totin', scarf-wearin' hillbillies from the dunes?
There are some astonishing similarities:
Terrorists blow up buses and planes. Hillbillies stink up buses and planes.
Terrorists wantonly destroy and maim. Same with the hillbilly!
Terrorists are often backed by rogue states and need no employment. The hillbilly is backed by rogue welfare states and needs no employment.
Finally, terrorists and hillbillies both seek the love of their farm animals when consanguinity doesn't work out.

Setting the Record Straight

2007-03-14T04:51:00.000-04:00

I often share the many, many stories of hillbilly hi jinx with my friends.
Recently, after telling a story, my friend said, "What... is the guy retarded or something?"

I was a little taken aback. Special needs kids get a lot of grief in life, do they really deserve to be lumped in with the hillbilly? It's unfair and mean.
In fact, when retarded kids make fun of people they call them "hillbillies."
The difference between the hillbilly and the special needs kid is vast.
Here are just a couple of examples:
Many special needs kids are gainfully employed... The Hillbilly? Not so much.
The special needs kids will engage in sports and recreational activities. Since pretending you're a NASCAR racer by driving your beat-up car through town and boxing your girlfriend around are not technically "sports," the hillbilly avoids exercise. (Note: There is no such thing as the Hillbilly Olympics.)
Special needs kids show some degree of responsibility. The hillbilly is paid by the government to be irresponsible.
Special needs kids are aware of hygiene issues. The hillbilly believes hygiene is a greeting for a dude named Gene.
Finally, special needs kids warrant our help and pity.
The hillbilly? Not so much.

Springtime in Hillbillyland

2007-03-13T04:36:00.000-04:00

Well. It's almost springtime and the hillbillies are stirring.
For the government subsidized hillbilly, who has spent most of the cold winter cooped inside his Section-8 shacks fornicating and getting drunk (not necessarily in that order), this is a great time to be alive.
If you had a beautiful spring day off, I'm sure you would find a hobby or indulge your current hobbies; not so, for the hillbilly, who has all day, every day off.
No, the hillbilly just can't seem to make it off the porch. It is as if an invisible force field of laziness has restrained the hillbilly to his porch or stoop, like a leash on a dog. This is one reason why the hillbilly's porch is so cluttered. They really wanted to throw those broken toys away... they just couldn't... seem... to... make... it... off... the... porch.
You'll see the early hillbilly riser on his stoop when you go to work. His mind feverishly at working at solving the great mystery of the day--how to buy a pack of cigarettes without expending any energy.
When you come home from work, the hillbillies are out in full force, the only thing missing is the poor special needs banjo boy from Deliverance. (He wouldn't even be seen with government subsidized hillbillies.)
Just think, you probably spent an hour a day working so that these hillbillies could enjoy this carefree lifestyle.
I think every hillbilly should be forced to stretch a banner across the front of his or her porch that reads, "Thank you, American worker."
Although, it would probably take no time for the hillbilly to hide the banner behind broken bicycle parts, ash trays, tattered Halloween decorations, and a film of tobacco spit.

Am I a Hillbilly?

2007-03-12T05:08:00.000-04:00

Many of you are asking... am I a hillbilly... or just a redneck?
As the name suggests, rednecks are workers, getting "red" while working in the sun. As such, they contribute to society and I really don't have a problem with those folks.
But, just in case you need a better definition of what a hillbillies are, here are a few ways to tell if you're a hillbilly:
If you label your second cousins as "exotic women"... you may be a hillbilly.
If you have at least one junked car in your front lawn and there's a moving truck in front of your neighbor's yard... you may be a hillbilly.
If your daughter's name is spelled incorrectly and was inspired by a stripper... you may be a hillbilly.
If your son's name is spelled incorrectly and was inspired by a championship wrestler... you may be hillbilly.

Let's Invest in Jethro

2007-03-10T06:19:00.000-05:00

Arguably no show has raised the awareness on the hillbilly as the show, the Beverly Hillbillies, a sitcom about a hillbilly family who got lucky and promptly left town to drive down property values elsewhere.
Some critics of the show say that it just helped the hillbilly cause by portraying them as sober, skinny, and somewhat industrious. Hey. It was just a sitcom. And, it was developed before the time of the government-subsidized hillbilly.
Though I now find myself agreeing with Mrs. Drysdale more and more, I harbor no resentment of the show.
And now, Jethro needs our help.
Jethro, portrayed by Max Baer, Jr., wants to start a casino called, Jethro's Beverly Hillbillies Mansion and Casino.
He would like to build the casino, appropriately enough, on the site of an abandoned WalMart in Carson City, Nevada. The site would include attractions such as Drysdale's Fancy Eatin's, Elly May's Buns, and of course, the Cement Pond.
This is a moneymaker and I could see a whole line of other attractions and products: They could sell t-shirts that already have beer and coffee stains. How about a roller coaster called The Meth Monster, representing the extreme highs and lows of meth addiction? Or, a slot machine that pays out $2 for ever $1 it takes in... we can call it, the One-Armed American Taxpayer.
I believe that every hillbilly should get behind this venture, maybe pass along a couple SSI checks to the project. Hillbillies already accustomed to government largess don't need to invest for retirement. And, after all, they think that a 401 K is a type of pickup truck and an IRA is a how they start the sentence... "I r a hillbilly."

A Letter from a Hillbilly to Dilbert Creator

2007-03-08T18:58:00.000-05:00

The following is a letter to Dilber creator, Scott Adams, from a college professor about Mr. Adams treatment of drunken hillbillies.
I offer my insights in italics.

Inebriated Hillbillies are not Funny

In a recent Dilbert strip I featured an inebriated hillbilly. Dogbert kicked him off a log and into a ravine. I know you’re thinking “That’s just like my job.” But you’re wrong because people don’t write you letters telling you that you are insensitive. Here’s a link to the comic, and below it is a letter objecting to my depiction of hillbillies.
http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20060218.html
And the letter…

Dear Mr. Adams,
I am writing in regards to the “Dilbert” cartoon that was published in the Gazette-Mail in Charleston, West Virginia on Saturday, February 18th.
I have long enjoyed your cartoon strip, having spent eight years at Marshall University confined to a tiny cubicle (even though I was a full professor) and having to track the amount of paper I used due to budget constraints.

Notice how the professor starts out explaining that the college has restricted her use of paper. Since defending the hillbilly is a waste of paper, I applaud the financial acumen of Marshall, but, question their hiring practices. And, come on... like you'd give someone who's studying the hillbilly an office... you'd give them the academic equivalent of a shack. Nicely done.

I am currently the co-director of the Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Gender in Appalachia and teach in the Appalachian Studies graduate certificate program at Marshall’s graduate college. One of my interests is the ways in which stereotypes of Appalachians in the general culture have rationalized and justified the historic mistreatment of Appalachians as an ethnic group.

First, hillbillies don't belong to Appalachia any more; they belong to the world, thanks to poor breeding, increased government subsidization, and a resurgence of interest in the Dukes of Hazzard. Their historic mistreatment comes less from urgings of comic strips than from their historic role as social pariahs.

Your cartoon “killed” an inebriated hillbilly. He was lying on a log with a jug at his side (probably moonshine?) and wearing bib overalls. He was booted off the log into a chasm and a certain fate. Now, let me ask you a question. Would you have drawn that cartoon of a drunk Irishman, a Jew, a black person, an Hispanic person? I doubt it very much.

I would agree with this statement. It is an unfair treatment of modern hillbillies. Modern hillbillies are more apt to be snorting meth than drinking moonshine. Shame on you, Mr. Adams. It is interesting to note that the professor took one look at a fat, passed-out schmuck and immediately went... "It's a hillbilly!"

Most Americans are by now sensitized to the damage that such stereotypes represent for minority groups. And yet you, as well as many others, still feel free to picture hillbillies (translate: Appalachians) in this way.

Again, Mr. Adams portrayal of a hillbilly is universal, not meant to offend one geographic area.

I would like to urge you to look at the most recent issue of the National Geographic. There is an article there on mountaintop removal and the ecological, cultural and social damage that it is visiting upon the mountains and their people. I would argue that most Americans have ignored this disaster-in-the-making for so long because there is a general agreement that hillbillies are of less worth—“useless” human beings. Your cartoon confirms that sense.

Useless is not the proper term. It suggests that the hillbilly has a neutral effect on society. A more accurate term would be "detrimental"--which defines the negative impact the hillbilly has on society. As for mountaintop removal, I am against anything that may cause the hillbilly to migrate into my neighborhood.

I would be the first to acknowledge that some Appalachians are alcoholics and wear bib overalls. But I suspect that there are many other people in this country that would fit that description as well.

Yes, they are hillbillies, too.

We are a proud people--closely tied to our land—who have given this country music, literature, and social movements that raised the standard of living for all of us. Why is it that television and the print media are so focused on only our social problems? Or see us only negatively?
I appreciate your taking my comments under consideration. This is not meant as a personal attack, but hopefully will be educational for you. I would be glad to recommend a reading list for you or email you some material.

It's not always the media that's to blame for this negativity. It's the fact that while maybe some hillbillies are tied to the land, probably tied there by their drunken husbands; others insist on interacting with us. If you really want to help the Hillbilly, go back to your hills, get them off welfare, give them a shower, and teach them some manners.

Sincerely,Lynda Ann Ewen, PhDProfessor Emerita of Sociology, Marshall University
Co-Director, Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Gender in Appalachia
Editor, Series of “Ethnicity and Gender in Appalachia,” Ohio University Press

Here's Yer Cup... Urine Testing Government Subsidized Hillbillies

2007-03-08T06:27:00.000-05:00

A recent Omninerd post got me thinking...
Not that I'd relish any of our fine health care workers who have to hold the piss cup for a bunch of hillbillies, but why shouldn't we drug and alcohol people who are on welfare or who live in public housing?
In the past year, I personally heard of at least four ODs in nearby public housing projects. And, a law enforcement official that I talked to estimated 70 to 80 percent of the calls he responds to in these projects are drug and alcohol related.
It's also obvious to me, at least, that public housing has become an underground railroad of sorts for the drug trade.
Add a few murder-suicides and I think we can officially say we have a problem, Whitney Huston.
I see a role for Welfare in society, don't get me wrong: it's for those who are physically or mentally challenged, the elderly, and the sick and infirm. If welfare recipients are buying drugs and alcohol, they are stealing from these folks. Strike one.
Remember, this is all about welfare, i.e. providing help. If a welfare recipient does have a D and A problem, they need help. They need rehab. Providing drugs to a drug addict is welfare, it's enablement. Strike two.
Even if you don't have a "problem" with drugs and alcohol, welfare is about necessities. And dope and booze is not a necessity. If you want a six pack and dime bag, get off your ass and earn it like everyone else does, hillbilly. Strike three.
The only problem I have with the suggestion to piss test hillbillies is that it doesn't go far enough. The actual welfare recipient is probably the female. And she might be drug and alcohol free. Meanwhile, there are usually a couple males shacked up at taxpayer expense that are generally high or drunk 24-7.
So, not only should the GSHB be tested, but all male residents should be tested to.

Fun With Hillbillies

2007-03-07T05:11:00.000-05:00

We can all do without hillbillies. If I could snap my fingers and all the hillbillies would disappear--sorry, it's hard to type with tears of joy in my eyes--your taxes would go down, your property values would soar, and, without hillbilly children dragging down the average, your schools would bask in high test scores.
But, is the hillbilly good for anything?
According to one of my readers, the answer is an emphatic "Yes!"
With his limited intelligence and gullibility, the hillbilly makes an excellent target for practical jokes.
Here's what he did:
He printed up some stupid flyers, proclaiming a "Poke Run." A "poker run," for those of you who are not cursed with the hillbilly menace, is sort of a hillbilly scavenger hunt on ATVs. These morons pay an entry fee (probably earned by drug sales) to race around in their four-wheelers, motorcycles, dirt bikes, and other assorted hillbilly toys looking for playing cards.
Since proceeds from the entry money usually benefit some hillbilly who suffered brain damage from not wearing a helmet while driving a motorcycle, our anti-hillbilly practical joker grabbed a picture of a dillweed hillbilly from the Internet and made up a fake name. For example:
"Poker Run to benefit Johnny Bob Jr. , who suffered a spinal injury jumping off the Railroad bridge."
Something like that.
He then selected a remote location and a time for the fake race.
Since hillbillies are either passed out or hung over on Saturday and can only be roused from their sleep by the promise of disturbing the peace or killing woodland creatures, the reader selected 6 a.m., the ultimate time to intrude on the hillbilly's ugly rest.
He hung the signs in all the hillbilly dens--convenience stores and dirtbag bars--and on utility poles through hillbilly country.
Then, he waited.
He slept in a little, but, after a few extra hours of sleep, he decided to check on the hillbillies.
Driving to the spot, he thought the clear skies and cool, gentle breeze would make it a perfect day for a poker run--too bad it wasn't real.
As he drove passed the spot--an old construction site--his heart fluttered: there, spread across the lunar landscape of dilapidated buildings and rusted equipment was an armada of recreational vehicles, commanded by hundreds of assorted dirtbags and scuzbags, who paced impatiently, plastic cups of beer already in their hand.
For a moment, he felt bad.
So, he called the highway patrol and reported a unruly gathering on private property.
As a citizen, it was the right thing to do.

Notice There's No People for the Ethical Treatment of Hillbillies

2007-03-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

Question: Why are hillbillies mean to their animals?
Answer: Because deep down, hillbillies know that their cats and dogs are smarter, cleaner, more responsible and more productive than they are.

The hillbilly must abuse and neglect their animals for that reason. It is a way to exert control. Hillbillies show their contempt for these superior species in seemingly contrasting ways. Their dogs are either tied up, forced into cages, or set free to rampage around the neighborhood.
In this post, you’ll find a perfect example of how hillbillies show contempt both for their animals and neighbors. In this case, a dog chases an innocent bike rider and the hillbillies show no compassion.
The bike rider could have been hurt. Do they care? No.
The dog could have been hurt. Do they care? No. Just an uppity animal gettin’ his come uppance, as far as they’re concerned.
Of course, the person that injures or kills the animal would be grief-struck. Again, the hillbilly only cares that his belly is full, his brain is addled by booze and dope, and that the welfare check is in the mail.

An Ode to Vicky Lynn Hogan aka Anna Nicole Smith

2007-03-05T15:34:00.000-05:00

I think that no one, to my memory, at least, best exemplifies the spirit of the hillbilly woman as Anna Nicole Smith.
Her carefree ways. Her free-wheeling attitude.
Her binge eating, drinking, drugging and whoring.
This is my tribute.
(I'm hoping Elton John reads this. Collaboration?)

Hillbilly Rose (Like A Reefer in the Wind)

An Ode to Vicky Lynn Hogan aka Anna Nicole Smith

Goodbye Vicky Lynn
Though I never knew you at all
You were a hillbilly princess
Who could eat a basketball.
The men threw themselves at you;
Even when you were a fatty.

Then you went and died
And we ask, “hoozya baby daddy?”

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a reefer in the wind
Never knowing who to sponge off
When the rain set in.
And I would have like to have known you
I think that would’ve been good.

Just as long as you and your kin

stayed out of my neighborhood.

Reality TV was tough.

The toughest role you ever played.
You had to be semi-coherent,

Like you made it to the seventh grade.
Even when you died

The press still hounded you.

All the reporters wondered:

Did she get shot by a harpoon?

Goodbye Vicky Lynn

Queen to the hillbilly seed
You were something more than sexual

More like an over-sexed freak

Angelina Won't Adopt No Hillbilly Chile

2007-03-05T04:52:00.000-05:00

If you live among the Hillbilly (and I pray God you do not), you'll notice that there is a dichotomy between what they say about their children and how they actually treat their children.
When they talk about their kids, the conversation is peppered with phrases such as "I love my childrens... I cain't stands to think of what would happen to ma babies. I love dem babies."
Then, you get a look at the kid. They are either grossly overweight or malnourished. Dressed in shabby clothes with last year's trendy saying on the shirt, these kids are often bruised and battered and suffer from a range of ailments that draw Social Security money.
Fathers are absent from the scene. The only time they appear is when in need of cash for dope or booze, provided by the Mama-billies welfare checks. The other interesting phenomenon is that when the Papa-billy dies, usually from an overdose or the perpetrator-victim of a murder-suicide, the local paper is filled with odes to this absentee father on Father's day and the anniversary of his birth and death.
Generally, Mama-billies must raise multi-generations, as their young daughters are pregnant in their early teens.
Hillbilly children are taught very early how to milk the system.
I watched a family of hillbillies in the grocery store and listened as the Mama-billy explained the intricacies of the food stamp (or whatever they call it now) to her "young-inz."
Mama-billy was seated in her "shopping ATV"--a scooter, designed for the handicapped and elderly, but also used by obese and lazy Hillbillies. The children, snot-nosed, seething, restless brother and sister, listened as Mama-billy said.
"Get what you want kids. Get sumthin' good. Beginning of the month and we got our aid in!"
She cackled and coughed.
"Why do we get aid, mama?" The girl mustered every IQ point to form a sentence.
"It's money the government owes us."
What the American public owed them for was never part of the conversation.
And it never will.

An Open Letter to the Government of Mexico and its People

2007-03-04T17:08:00.000-05:00

To the representatives and leaders of the Mexican government and its citizens,

It is of no surprise that immigration, both illegal and legal, is the cause of growing concern for Americans. Indeed, this issue threatens to mar the peace and friendship that has existed between our country for nearly two centuries. It also disrupts the prosperity of both nations.
I propose that there are creative solutions to solve this problem in a fair and equitable manner.
Here is what I would like to place on the table for consideration:
I am suggesting not an immigration program, but, an exchange program.
For every illegal Mexican arrested in America, we will allow these former Mexican citizens to remain in the country and work toward full citizenship and all its rights and responsibilities.
In exchange, you will accept 10 hillbillies per each illegal immigrant.
We believe this adequately compensates us for accommodating your citizens. It could be argued that while most immigrants in this country go on to earn wages and lead productive lives, the same can not be said of the hillbilly.
To this, I would argue that no conclusive studies on the hillbilly behavior in southern climes have been concluded. Could it not be that, like your Mexican jumping bean, the hillbilly becomes active when warm?
Perhaps in your environment of warm nights, long siestas, and a flatulent-inducing, bean-filled diet, the hillbilly may not live, but thrive!
Also, consider that the hillbilly is a mass consumer of hard liquors. Your legal tequila industry may displace your illegal drug trade as the engine of your economy! Your trade schools featuring small engine maintenance will flourish!
Finally, if these emigres are removed from their normal breeding practices--farm animals and close relations--they may choose to breed in a socially beneficial manner. Not taking odds on this one, though.
We eagerly await your reply,

Yours truly,
Smartacus

The Hillbilly Equation

2007-03-04T06:20:00.000-05:00

There are several ways to assess the fact that the Hillbilly is a detriment to our society.
Let's get beyond the indisputable hygiene question. (If you are ever in a convenience store at 3 a.m. in Hillbilly Country and have unclogged nasal passages, you'll probably disagree with me ignoring this detriment.)
We at the Anti-Hillbilly Association (A-HA) are proving that the hillbilly and his ilk cost decent, hard-working Americans trillions of dollars.
To begin with, there is an inverse ratio between the amount of hillbillies in a given area and property values. If a hillbilly moves into your neighborhood or the government sanctions a GSHB (Government Subsidized Hillbilly) housing project nearby, expect your property value to plummet like the stake of a condemned sign planted in soft mud.
We estimate that there are 4 million hillbilly residents in the U.S. If there are ten properties in that neighborhood, that makes 40 million afflicted properties. At $100,000 per property, that's about $4 trillion. If property values go down 10 percent a year, that's $400 billion each and every time the sun makes it's annual trek around the earth, as the hillbilly believes!
Secondly, the GSHB is a two-time losing proposition for the American taxpayer. Not only is he or she losing property value, but, is actually paying for the privilege of losing money on their property! And, this government waste actually creates more hillbillies.
These revelations raise uneasy questions, no doubt.
Can we stop this cascading spiral into hillbilly bedlam?
Yes. There are solutions.
Are these solutions doable?
Yes, they are.
Palatable solutions for the tender American heart?
Perhaps not.
But, we will explore both the vexing presence of the hillbilly and solutions to the Hillbilly Question in future posts.

Quote About Hillbillies

2007-03-03T19:57:00.000-05:00

Jean Shepherd, you might know him as the writer and narrator of the seasonal classic "A Christmas Story," writes descriptively about the hillbilly. He, too, lived among them... and grew to despise the hillbilly.
Here's his dead-on description of what happens when the hillbilly family, "The Bumpuses" move into his neighborhood:
"Overnight, the entire neighborhood changed. The Taylors, a quiet family who had lived next to us for years moved out and--without warning--the Bumpuses had flooded in. There were thousands of them! The house seemed to age in a week. What had been a nondescript bungalow became a battered, hinge-sprung, sagging, hillbilly shack."
Many of us can relate.

Hillbilly Ingenuity

2007-03-03T17:58:00.000-05:00

The following is a story told to me by a friend who also knows the Hillbilly... and hates the Hillbilly.
His story:
A hillbilly was attempting to erect a double-wide trailer on a piece of property. For a person of even limited intelligence, placing a double-wide trailer on a lot is a two- or three-day job; but, for this hillbilly it was a monumental task. The Egyptians did not toil so much on the pyramids as this hillbilly did on his shack.
For months, he lumbered around the site and scratched his bulbous, beard-encrusted head. Yet, still, the shack showed no progress. The trailer stood there limply on a mountain of dirt and tarp.
While most contractors would be concerned with water and electricity and perhaps a viable roadway to the home site, this hillbilly scoffed at such frivolities.
He had a pickup truck. (The hillbilly believes all problems can be solved with either duct tape or a pickup truck.)
He simply drove on a semi-level piece of ground and traveled across for what most civilized human beings would be a front lawn.
Of course, the rudimentary lessons of soil erosion was lost on this hillbilly. (He was probably fornicating with a sibling the day that lesson was discussed in school.) Eventually, the truck and rain reduced the "lane" and the yard into a mud bog.
The hillbilly was undeterred. He has a pickup truck.
As he drove across the yard, the rusted vehicle bucked like an angry bull. It roared from one mud divot to the next, and then, got stuck mere feet away from the back of the shack--where the hillbilly had plotted placement of the back porch (for more junk storage).
Suddenly, with a belch of blue smoke, the truck lurched from the hole and drifted right under the back door. The engine was blown.
The hillbilly stormed off, angry that the truck was broke, that his porch wouldn't be installed, and that the rain was washing away the soot and sweat he collected on his body over the months.
After a few hours my friend heard the noise of a large vehicle. Maybe a bulldozer. Or a tractor trailer.
To his surprise, it was a huge monster truck followed by a convoy of hillbilly vehicles. There were tattered SUVs, rusted jeeps, and a few muffler-deficient cars.
Now. If you ever see a hillbilly parade of old jalopies led by a monster truck, I want you just to sit back and enjoy the show. Because there will be a show.
One hillbilly jumped from his jalopy and climbed in the stricken truck.
Of course, my friend thought the vehicle was about to be towed.
But, there was no sign of a tow rope or chain.
Instead, with a burst of angry acceleration, the monster truck surged into the broken down vehicle and with an immense "bang!" sent the truck hurtling across the back yard. Then, the monster truck hit him again! And again!
You could see the neck of the driver snap with each smack.
One last smack and the truck rolled dumbly into the front yard.
The hillbillies gathered around the truck and watched as the driver climbed out of the truck, rubbing his soar neck.
They smiled, admiring their hillbilly ingenuity.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

2007-03-03T04:57:00.000-05:00

There are two classes of Hillbilly: the semi-domesticated and the government-subsidized hillbilly (GSHB).
The former attempts to earn his keep in society by manual labor and odd jobs. Besides his once a month drinking binge, the semi-domesticated hillbilly is docile and harmless. He's a rustic echo of times gone by, like an Amish man, but in a pick-up truck and with little of the master craftsman skills (unless you consider duct tape beer can airplanes to be a master craft).
The government subsidized hillbilly is another story.
The male hillbilly lives in the section-8 apartment of the female of the species. She collects money for the children she has had from various fathers. There is no family tree for this household, it is a family forest of twisted, gnarled shrubs. The GSHB collect additional money from the government for defective hillbilly children. For instance, a child with ADHD may be called Britni or Billy Ray, but in the heart of GSHB mother, his or her name is "jackpot."
While the semi-domesticated hillbilly expends energy cutting lawns or sawing lumber, the GSHB churns and reels with mindless energy. He spends his day breeding, smoking, doing drugs, drinking, stealing, scamming and generally finding trouble on every backroad and side street.
He dabbles in chemistry, making meth and turning oxycontin into hillbilly heroin. He eventually becomes mired in the revolving door penal system, where is uncouthness is even too much for the career criminal, who asks to be reassigned to a new cell. There is honor among thieves, perhaps, but the GSHB honors nothing except a full belly and dope-addled brain.
The prognosis for the GSHB is not good. If he does not die from an overdose, he's likely to be stabbed or maimed in a bar fight.

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The Hillbilly. My Struggle.

2007-03-02T18:37:00.000-05:00

This blog is dedicated to a creature called the Hillbilly.
Both male and female hillbillies come in varied shapes and sizes; but, generally speaking, the hillbilly is squat, fat, hairy, unbathed, and smelly.
The Native Americans called him Sasquatch, or "he who smells and is always short on rent" and most Sasquatch sitings today are nothing more than a Hillbilly who lost his way in the woods.
Hillbillies generally adhere to rural areas where limited legal restrictions and a noticeable lack of land covenants allow the Hillbilly to collect junked cars, rusted refrigerators, rusted swingsets (that they're children are forbid to play on) and other items that to the non-hillbilly are considered junk, but he considers treasure.
The Hillbilly has primitive vocalizations--grunts and growls. When the Hillbilly begins to vocalize he often starts with a high pitched squeal, thusly: "Youuu gunna..." and completes the semi-coherent rabble.
In the coming months and years, we will explore the Hillbilly in depth.
How do I know so much about the Hillbilly? I live among them. And I must pass on these lessons so you never do.
Our next lesson will be what is the difference between a Government-Subsidized Hillbilly (GSHB) and the common semi-domesticated Hillbilly?