tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53148486468239346012024-03-13T13:49:00.944-04:00I Hate HillbilliesThis blog discusses unique insights into America's pariah, the hillbilly, especially the government subsidized hillbilly. The hillbilly eats too much, drinks too much, is uncaring and rude to his or her neighbors, and is generally a nuisance to society.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-21992353268412092702009-06-25T16:02:00.008-04:002009-06-25T21:15:32.799-04:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Armed Standoffs<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm3jsswHjol3S9l6Nzcu3L3YC5e7Ga8j_OHQ5GddYAkjOTkhpWvF8SPTwCPZdJ03xZezP1p1_nFdyp4F3n-kCmlOhMt-7k2wf7O3EBM7htTDcZJK01ul73vhrDhgkBDdcOS25xXSABHvA/s1600-h/redneck6tc.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm3jsswHjol3S9l6Nzcu3L3YC5e7Ga8j_OHQ5GddYAkjOTkhpWvF8SPTwCPZdJ03xZezP1p1_nFdyp4F3n-kCmlOhMt-7k2wf7O3EBM7htTDcZJK01ul73vhrDhgkBDdcOS25xXSABHvA/s400/redneck6tc.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5351437884168257410" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Hillbillies are bound by some sort of code that covers not only how they live their lives of squalid excess, but also outline the ways they die, usually in exuberant depression.<br /><br />While the code is unwritten and is decipherable only by the hillfolk, there are some magnificent acts that serve as a redneck Rosetta Stone for those of us who wish to know the hillbilly, but lie just outside of this genetically-shallow gene pool.<br /><br />Hillbillies honor this code by choosing not to end their lives silently and respectfully, but to shuffle off the mortal coil in the most expressive and expensive way possible: the armed standoff. The armed standoff generally starts off innocently enough with a liberal mixture of booze and prescription medicine, along with copious quantities of cable television programming, including Lifetime.<br /><br />Any emotional incident can trigger the armed standoff: a soured relationship, the repossession of a favorite pickup truck, or, as is more often the case, a deepening suspicion that the government may be using miniature helicopters disguised as bumble bees to spy on their pocket knife collection.<br /><br />The armed stand off starts when the hillbilly barricades himself in his house or trailer. Then, he calls 911 to tell the police that he is, indeed, barricaded in his house or trailer. So, as not to totally ruin the surprise, the hillbilly is cagey about the amount of arms he possesses and the ultimate intention of his actions.<br /><br />It's generally referred to as "goin' down in a blaze of glory," which fills the mind of the hillbilly up with visions of Jon Bon Jovi in a cowboy hat, asleep on a private jet.<br /><br />Much to the chagrin of the hillbilly neighbors, the police must show up in the early morning hours, in force. Police cruisers, SWAT trucks, fire apparatus, water mules, ice cream trucks, motorcycles with sidecars, clown cars, helicopters, and a few tractor-trailers.<br /><br />Back in the day, the cops would rush to the window and toss in a telephone that would serve as a means of communication between the hillbilly and a negotiator. Now, despite refusing to pay for adequate health care, the hillbilly will spend hundreds on cell phone and texting service. The cops just call the cell and wait for the Korn ring tone.<br /><br />After tedious negotiations, the cops will then call in "relations" who will try to talk the hillbilly out safely. The standoff usually ends peacefully, with the hillbilly exiting the premises expecting to be greeted with hugs and high-fives from friends and family. The police, however, proceed to slam him to the ground and hogtie him faster than a rodeo heifer.<br /><br />On the odd chance that the situation does not resolve peacefully and the hillbilly actually dies, the grief will spawn survivors into a heightened round of boozing and country music.<br /><br />Followed by another armed standoff.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-73420599459032315152009-06-09T05:09:00.003-04:002009-06-09T05:40:29.967-04:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Dirt<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.atvstyle.com/images/atv-mud-101.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 333px;" src="http://www.atvstyle.com/images/atv-mud-101.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />As evidenced by their sports, their vehicles, their homes and trailers, and their bodies, hillbillies like dirt. And all its multitudinous forms: dust, mud, filth, grime, and grit.<br /><br />A hillbilly wants nothing better than to spend--the culturally insensitive might say "waste"--his or her Saturday afternoons driving a vehicle through mud. The more exposed that vehicle can be to the elements, the better. The hillbilly will ride small, open, four-wheel vehicles in the mud so he can become caked in the sacred substance.<br /><br />The hillbilly likes to call this vehicle an "all terrain vehicle." Terrain, after all, is just a fancy city word for "mud."<br /><br />It's better known, though, as an ATV because terrain is hard to pronounce and it sounds vaguely French.<br /><br />ATVs are responsible for more than just dirty hillbillies, though; the ATV is the cause of injured hillbillies. Despite days and days spent riding aimlessly in the hills and valleys and who could forget the "hollahs," hillbillies seem unable to master the art of avoiding trees and telephone poles in their four-wheel Medicaid machines.<br /><br />Fortunately for the hillbilly, the government subsidizes their recuperation time to the tune of billions of dollars each year. Unfortunately, it's time spent in a clean, sterile and booze-free environment: a hospital.<br /><br />And that's no fun.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-66402567968451416372009-03-17T05:54:00.003-04:002009-03-17T06:11:26.328-04:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Multiculturalism, So Long As Drinking Is Involved<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.vintagecotton.com/shirt/158/irish_drunk02.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://media.vintagecotton.com/shirt/158/irish_drunk02.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Hillbillies aren't particularly Irish and aren't particularly Catholic. They will be tonight, though.<br /><br />The celebration of St. Patrick's Day is indicative of the hillbilly's ability to turn any holiday into an excuse to drink until medical intervention is required. Go into any backwoods bar tonight and you'll find hillbillies face down on the bar, a little plastic green hat askew and a little vomit caked on their L.E.D.-lit shamrock pin.<br /><br />On St. Patrick's Day, like other holiday, the hillbilly will push past religious differences and intolerance, forgive years of cultural imperialism, and raise a toast to America's multicultural tapestry.<br /><br />Hillbillies could solve any long-standing cultural grudge with an alcohol-fueled binge. Trouble in Israel? Have a few beers on Yom Kippur. War in Iraq? Knock back some brewskies on the Prophet's birthday?<br /><br />Hillbillies will show their solidarity for people in Tibet by getting bombed on the Chinese New Year.<br /><br />As the environment becomes a more hot button issue, expect to find hillbillies passed out on you lawn after a vicious Arbor Day celebration.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-86682022922508048432009-02-20T13:21:00.005-05:002009-02-20T14:00:14.534-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Date Night Sweaters and Baseball Hats<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://dizzy-girl.net/archives/redlobster.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://dizzy-girl.net/archives/redlobster.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tim Gunn on the lookout for Hillbilly fashion trends.</span><br /></div><br />With Valentine's Day just over, it was interesting to see the hillbilly male in a dating capacity.<br /><br />It's the one day of the year where hillbilly women force their men into a romantic encounter that doesn't include a six-pack of beer and the back of a four-wheel drive vehicle that just happened to be unlocked in the parking lot of the local bar or tavern.<br /><br />In order for this to be considered a date, the hillbilly male must dress to the nines, or in his case, the four-and-a-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">halfs</span>.<br /><br />Hillbilly date night ensemble includes:<br /><ol><li>Blue jeans</li><li>Sweater, sleeves pushed back</li><li>Baseball hat</li></ol><br />The sweater says, "I'm semi-formal."<br /><br />The baseball hat says, "Oh, no, you're not."<br /><br />The blue jeans say, "I think you're both idiots."<br /><br />(There are variations. For instance, the Southern hillbilly may nonchalantly stack his mirrored-wrap-around sunglasses on the brim of his baseball cap. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Tres</span> chic, no?)<br /><br />Once properly attired, the hillbilly couple travels to a chain restaurant, like Red Lobster, Olive Garden, or, for those who are just embarking on a non-<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">committal</span> date night, Wendy's. Primed by consuming cheap beers and wine coolers in the parking lot, the couple hits the restaurant with romantic gusto once reserved for sailors being met on the docks by wives, girlfriends, and seaside sex industry workers.<br /><br />The hillbilly couple enjoys the expanded fair of the chain restaurant and the added attention their open-mouth kissing earns from families and non-hillbilly couples.<br /><br />Where the hillbilly goes out on a date is uncertain. However, the rest of the date will conclude with the following:<br /><ul><li>Illegitimate birth</li><li>Substance-abused fueled fight</li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">PFA</span></li></ul><br />Not necessarily in that order.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-72824668774903328102009-02-05T12:25:00.008-05:002009-02-05T13:07:35.492-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Analog Television<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr10hbM-nakAqpwDZ6_IGUMlq5rPlaT_fnzCTRmOqQWhRUdsn87q4kqkfk8FzB_DqGH1rVf7OszwYuYpGG3lTVUS6Fy_LwwXfg2LV6mrfrDJ_wWcnkRSIX7fJziH4LJVD_ZTQqjCR40qM/s1600-h/trailer-tv.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr10hbM-nakAqpwDZ6_IGUMlq5rPlaT_fnzCTRmOqQWhRUdsn87q4kqkfk8FzB_DqGH1rVf7OszwYuYpGG3lTVUS6Fy_LwwXfg2LV6mrfrDJ_wWcnkRSIX7fJziH4LJVD_ZTQqjCR40qM/s400/trailer-tv.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299374212633333522" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><br />It's hard for the hillbilly to say goodbye to certain things.</div><br /><div>Like the rims off the tires of some 1970s-era muscle car that rust in the front yard.</div><br /><div>Or the old lady moo-moo, a fashion style that slips easily from the bedroom to caseworker waiting room.</div><br /><div>Some hillbillies have a hard time saying goodbye to people. That's why the Protection From Abuse, or the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">PFA</span>, order was invented.</div><br /><div><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">But, nothing has</span> been harder to say goodbye to than analog television. </div><br /><div>Congress is asking all of America to wait a a few months while hillbillies says their final farewells to their cherished analog signal and rabbit ears.</div><br /><div>In some instances, these rabbit ears have looked after hillbilly children more than their parents have, especially during the hillbilly holiday season, which starts right after the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Daytona</span> 500.</div><br /><div>The government has tried many tactics to get the hillbilly to part with his analog television, even offering him <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">coupon</span> so he could roll off the couch and get a converter box.</div><br /><div>The hillbilly's love can not be bought or sold, unless alcohol is involved.</div><br /><div>Many Americans are upset with the hillbillies, blaming them for tying up progress to the 21st century.</div><br /><div>But, our Congress men and women assure us there are good reasons.</div><br /><div>If the hillbilly's television goes dead after the conversion, he might not be able to watch the two good stations and decide to go outside.</div><br /><div>Once outside, he may decide to do something productive with his free time, like get a job.</div><br /><div>If he gets a job he may become a taxpayer instead of a tax consumer.</div><br /><div>If the hillbilly becomes a productive contributor to society, all the people who voted on the analog extension might lost their jobs and become unemployed hillbillies.</div><br /><div>And they could never say goodbye to digital cable.</div>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-60423055387572461112009-01-17T15:29:00.007-05:002009-01-19T05:09:02.038-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Talking Really Loud About Stuff They Like<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9EsxIjwDeoYpYyoKo17dN9eWKP-V_niaXAexVYo22zM6Ahg1N8Vbe0Qzb48pFnPkJ5UjwH7CrG-fWIXHaDUBCU114oC94X1g9vRlE1SkD1Z_SH6K5T-q-GLFk41jIPuP3HblPpj-zJik/s1600-h/ugly-woman4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9EsxIjwDeoYpYyoKo17dN9eWKP-V_niaXAexVYo22zM6Ahg1N8Vbe0Qzb48pFnPkJ5UjwH7CrG-fWIXHaDUBCU114oC94X1g9vRlE1SkD1Z_SH6K5T-q-GLFk41jIPuP3HblPpj-zJik/s320/ugly-woman4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5292944656180667314" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Because a hillbilly can barely read or write, she indulges the one form of communication that doesn't tax the use of neurons: talking.<br /><br />Have you ever seen a child who mastered the ability to ride a bike. The child bursts in wild exuberance and pedals madly, screaming at the top of his lungs. Now watch a hillbilly female yucking it up with friends at a Bob Evans, the well-named Cracker Barrel or other note hillbilly feed trough.<br /><br />It's the same juvenile excitement. It's like it's the first day with her new mouth.<br /><br />Don't mind being impolite. Go ahead and listen in. It would be like trying to ignore a low-flying 747. The hillbilly wants you to listen to her travails and victories. She'll talk about the deal she got on feminine hygiene products at Walgreen. She'll propose welfare reforms to better support her and her children. She'll wonder aloud when her disability check with come.<br /><br />The hillbilly is even louder on the cell phone. You wonder why she needs it at all. Her voice can<br />carry at least a time zone.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-29458687359534099362008-12-27T09:56:00.004-05:002009-01-07T09:35:32.004-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Middle Names<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://sportsmedia.ign.com/sports/image/article/757/757494/hillbilly-jim-interview-20070122041104368-000.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 460px; height: 644px;" src="http://sportsmedia.ign.com/sports/image/article/757/757494/hillbilly-jim-interview-20070122041104368-000.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Hilbillies are rarely creative. They tend to celebrate destruction with all the passion of a crack-fueled chimpanzee does. </div><br /><div>Hillbillies revel at videos of high-speed chases, although some of it is to catch an image of the relatives. They invented smash-up derby, which combines two of their favorite loves: self-mutilation and pulling down an item's intrinsic value.<br /></div><br /><div> </div>Some hillbillies believe that the oldest profession is Professional Wrestling, which they follow with a religious fervor. Again, the notion of destruction enthralls the hillbilly.<br /><br />Creative writing, it would seem, just wouldn't appeal to the hillbilly. And, you're right: prose and poetry are beyond the hillbilly. Except if it's the creation of middle names for their newly-born social pariah.<br /><br /><br />Here the hillbilly becomes a Be-bop jazz-fusion artist. A hillbilly mother will often insert several middle names into their male children: Billy Bob Joe-Joe, Joe Bob John-John, or Dale Earnhardt Bob... The list and variations go on like the riffs of a Miles Davis sonic soul exploration.<br /><br />Why so many middle names? It's actually because the female hillbilly is trying to hedge her bets in actually using the name of the child's father in the middle-name string. She usually starts with all of her first cousins and works up the family tree, making careful notation to add the supposed names any traveling carnival workers.<br /><br />This theory is further verified in the hillbilly approach to naming a female hill-baby. Names include Sue Ellen Bob, Billie Joe Bob, Bobbie Jo Billy, etc.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-69578130434131552742008-12-20T05:37:00.012-05:002008-12-27T20:09:30.366-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Fleeting Religious Beliefs<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXJRs83F5aHCazmcapnaYzZ6R5CLmHQAYoRyCeGaHOo57l2lwdPo5uU-ci5N5REcWk3luTQqj6XrWU-8hOEILTVN4vg-9alPrXIWDWpTdnPwJLR9oeL6ifRWzTmsD20QQ6bkNl5mv_ZZE/s1600-h/jesus-elvis.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXJRs83F5aHCazmcapnaYzZ6R5CLmHQAYoRyCeGaHOo57l2lwdPo5uU-ci5N5REcWk3luTQqj6XrWU-8hOEILTVN4vg-9alPrXIWDWpTdnPwJLR9oeL6ifRWzTmsD20QQ6bkNl5mv_ZZE/s320/jesus-elvis.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5284641841345725650" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br />You probably think that the stuff that hillbillies like are incompatible with religious obligations. After all, hillbillies busy schedule of drinking, drug abuse, monster truck competitions and marital infidelity give them little time to engage in religious practice.<br /></div><div><br />But, that's where you're wrong. Hillbillies carve out a nook for religion when under duress or when plotting revenge.<br /><br />For the hillbilly, Jesus is a sort of voodoo <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hitman</span>, a threatening god of vengeance who exacts justice when a husband strays into the local strip joint or in-laws make unrequested assessments of parental skills during a child's birthday party that suddenly explode into boozy inter-familial brawls.<br /><br />When those incidents occur, the hillbilly will immediately re-orient herself with the Christian religion and pray for God to make testicles whither or cause a fiery motorcycle to smash into the center window of the in-laws double-wide.<br /><br />Religion is useful to the hillbilly as a auxiliary Welfare agency. The hillbillies devotion to religion is cyclical; it begins when local church food banks about three days before Thanksgiving and reaches a peak during the Salvation Army's holiday gift drive.<br /><br />The devotion lasts until January 2. Or, maybe a quick visit to church for some Super Bowl Sunday snacks.<br /><br /><br /></div>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-82303450408636503222008-12-20T05:34:00.011-05:002008-12-23T10:19:15.931-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Undiagnosable Medical Conditions<div align="center"><a href="http://www.proteinpower.com/drmike/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/deliverance.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 450px; height: 300px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://www.proteinpower.com/drmike/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/deliverance.JPG" border="0" /></a> <strong>I cain't concentrate and all I got is a lousy banjo.</strong></div><br /><br />Hillbillies are very <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">unsophisticated</span>, scientifically speaking. They can't even pronounce the word, sophisticated.<br /><br />But Hillbillies can suddenly recite strings of complex medical terminology when the need arises; and the need arises when they can receive money without any visible form of labor. Suddenly they speak, at length, of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ADHD</span>) and repetitive stress injuries (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">RSIs</span>), along with a dizzying display of related acronyms. Why? The government offers them money for their children's fake maladies and for their own disabilities.<br /><br />Hillbillies prefer conditions that are as undiagnosable as possible and that have easily-mimicked symptoms, especially symptoms their non-savvy, slack-jawed youngsters can fake. For instance, Hillbillies can make their children seem hyperactive by bolstering their already low-tolerance for concentrated mental activity with high amounts of caffeine.<br /><br />Back injuries are the goal for most adult Hillbillies. The complexity of the spinal column, along with the natural abhorrence that medical professionals have with Hillbilly visits to their practices, make it easy for a doctor to diagnose a questionable back injury.<br /><br />Hillbillies can easily fake a back injury by saying this: "Ow. My back." That simple phrase is worth about $800 a month and ushers in a lifelong commitment to shirking. A Hillbilly with the same injury can carry in multiple kegs of beer for his or her own personal use, but, when in public, let's say at a party with lots of able-bodied people around to do the toting, he can suddenly suffer a relapse. The conversation generally goes like this:<br /><br /><br /><blockquote>Non-injured Hillbilly: Say, Billy Ray can <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ya's</span> tote in the beer from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">da</span><br />truck?<br />Pretend-injured Hillbilly: Ow. My back.<br />Non-injured Hillbilly: Oh, no. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">D'dit</span> give out on ya <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">agin</span>? Maybe grandma can<br />fetch the keg.<br />Pretend-injured: Can she bring over the rack of ribs for me, too?<br /></blockquote><br /><br />This will continue until grandma learns to say, "Ow. My back."Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-15465536897723748262008-12-20T04:37:00.007-05:002008-12-23T05:47:23.872-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Bouts of Holiday Domestic Violence<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOIuFRUSQJUuqL8VNO_MvtmlK336IRbd9hyphenhyphen4FhQ3tuz-7gLarv3VVNUHNVg9vFU_ZIGnkh0AX7lwvw84CNTgFXiWlQmePl7X0mWwq9NKFo9HRG9cEkyaY7xBkNsoje5vzkX5BR9P-f7ik/s1600-h/policecruiser.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281807690422725042" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 221px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOIuFRUSQJUuqL8VNO_MvtmlK336IRbd9hyphenhyphen4FhQ3tuz-7gLarv3VVNUHNVg9vFU_ZIGnkh0AX7lwvw84CNTgFXiWlQmePl7X0mWwq9NKFo9HRG9cEkyaY7xBkNsoje5vzkX5BR9P-f7ik/s320/policecruiser.jpg" border="0" /></a>Ah. There's nothing like being home for the holidays.<br /><br />In the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">lifeways</span> of the hillbilly, there's nothing like being home for the holidays, being excessively whiskey drunk for the holidays and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">exaggerating</span> your aggressive <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">tendencies</span> for the holidays.<br /><br />The period between Christmas and New Years sees an uptick in hillbilly-on-hillbilly violence. Frying pan assaults skyrocket. Brother hits brother. Sister hits brother punching brother holding down father who was beating mother.<br /><br />Usually, these incidents, while fueled by liquor with the same alcohol content as jet fuel, are actually started because one member of the family expressed his/her distaste for another member of the family's pasta salad at a holiday get-together. Or, alternatively, the male head of the household spent all the Christmas money on liquoring up some bar <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">skank</span> he met at the <strong>local bar/IHop/hardware store/high school parking lot</strong> (please choose one).<br /><br />All of this leads to the hillbilly holiday <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">trifecta</span>: the festive assault-murder-suicide.<br /><br />Why do the holidays bring out the worst in the hillbilly? After all, how often are cops called in to break up the Jewish family's <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Hanukkah</span> party?<br /><br />I believe that it's just a cheap way for hillbillies to see the festive, pretty red and blue lights of a police cruiser.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-26345705072371654652008-12-12T08:38:00.005-05:002008-12-12T08:53:57.093-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Flags That Signal Seasonal Allegiances<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtrfwEc2gf5z3hxzPj07ZZkOzi0gehOsusM50htP3e854SsdZoT8q6m9lE1F5DpXQ_i_xKzp4ofVLOf_CgqxU0oZXV4cyOzSB76xGUHrZf6rQjMswPLMAyvKA3wC3i-6QzR5RFsKL0YQU/s1600-h/turkey.jpeg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 175px; height: 247px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtrfwEc2gf5z3hxzPj07ZZkOzi0gehOsusM50htP3e854SsdZoT8q6m9lE1F5DpXQ_i_xKzp4ofVLOf_CgqxU0oZXV4cyOzSB76xGUHrZf6rQjMswPLMAyvKA3wC3i-6QzR5RFsKL0YQU/s320/turkey.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5278901250797847058" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yay! I support turkey</span><br /></div><img src="file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Rick/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot.jpg" alt="" /><br />Many people raise flags that salute the United States or the country of their ancestry.<br />In Hillbilly land, these fleeting allegiances change over the months.<br />Besides the potential re-emergence of the Confederacy, hillbillies raise their flags to support climatic changes.<br />Hillbillies say: I support Autumn.<br />Or, I'm glad it's summer and there are flowers.<br />It's winter ! Salute!<br />The only time you'll see an American flag on Hillbilly property is around the Fourth of July, but it is not a symbol of national independence, rather its meaning is "Yay! One more reason to get drunk and engage in spousal abuse!"Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-29366502890527205832008-12-07T05:36:00.005-05:002008-12-07T05:56:28.641-05:00Stuff Hillibillies Like: Lands-crapping<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEBbkjmz8h4ruMsJsz1cfxJk_AdaNg5dRIN2NIM2c3AluokL4hupDra6iikOdz-PZ2PFz7iRScFgN8ezds7aUKkxZtrkXzb7oMiEzwMOEbkJcOy3lYr2O1eKD2OAohKDca_5AYEqmUasE/s1600-h/lawnart.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5276998206149385650" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 262px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEBbkjmz8h4ruMsJsz1cfxJk_AdaNg5dRIN2NIM2c3AluokL4hupDra6iikOdz-PZ2PFz7iRScFgN8ezds7aUKkxZtrkXzb7oMiEzwMOEbkJcOy3lYr2O1eKD2OAohKDca_5AYEqmUasE/s400/lawnart.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><br /></div><div>Landscaping is when you take a piece of property and through use of care and design make the place more pleasing aesthetically.<br /></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Landscrapping</span> is when you make a piece of land worse and drive down property values. It is honored and admired by hillbillies everywhere.<br /></div><div>Like Dante's inferno, the hillbilly envisions the space as a series of concentric circles of hell. The general design rules are as follows:<br /></div><ul><li>The border space is defined by lines of crap. Half complete fence projects and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">over-sized</span> satellite television dishes add to the drama.<br /></li><li>The second ring is the ring of crap. This lawn space contains everything the hillbilly doesn't have the heart or brains to throw away. It can include deer carcasses, dolls and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">mannequins</span>, and even automobiles.<br /></li><li>At the center, the hillbilly always has a collection of garbage cans and dumpsters, sometimes filled, more than often not. These can be symbols of irony and defiance. Also, laziness.</li></ul><div> </div><div> </div><div><br /><br /></div><div></div><div><br /><br /></div><div></div><div><br /><br /></div><div></div><div><br /><br /></div><div></div>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-45505340125465002802008-12-04T06:33:00.003-05:002008-12-04T06:59:00.264-05:00Stuff Hillbillies Like: Weird, Christmas Iconic Juxtapositions<a href="http://tackychristmasyards.com/DesktopModules/Repository/MakeThumbnail.aspx?tabid=55&id=38"></a><br /><div><a href="http://tackychristmasyards.com/DesktopModules/Repository/MakeThumbnail.aspx?tabid=55&id=38"></a><br /><br /><div align="center"><a href="http://tackychristmasyards.com/DesktopModules/Repository/MakeThumbnail.aspx?tabid=36&id=40"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://tackychristmasyards.com/DesktopModules/Repository/MakeThumbnail.aspx?tabid=36&id=40" border="0" /></a> <strong>Tigger dances the "Yay Jesus, It's Your Birthday" dance.</strong></div><br /><p>One things hillbillies love: Christmas juxtapositions that would make Salvador Dali scratch his head.</p><p>Recently I saw a manger scene overshadowed by a menacing 7-foot tall inflatable penguin with a Santa hat. Perhaps the penguin was an angelic spirit sent to protect the little baby Jesus; but, the menacing smile appeared he was of a malicious bent.</p>In another yard, Frosty the Snowman stands perilously close to a raging torch, perhaps lit by ashes from his corn cob pipe, a major health hazard for snowmen and women.<br /><br /><p>Jesus, I was led to believe, was born in Bethlehem. According to hillbillies, he was born in the North Pole, on Candy Cane Lane.</p><p>Wire-framed reindeer share yard space with polar bears in the hillbilly iconography, even though in the natural environs, the reindeer is food for the polar bear.</p><p>Interesting and ironic holiday yard art is merely a visual representation of the bizarro world of the hillbilly where abled-bodied people use scooters, cars sit on blocks and homes ride on wheels.</p><p>Check out <a href="http://tackychristmasyards.com/">Tacky Christmas Yards</a> to explore more about our surrealist holiday hillbillies.</p><br /><br /><p><a href="http://tackychristmasyards.com/"></a></p></div>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-56302802913457068582007-12-27T13:51:00.000-05:002007-12-27T14:08:14.723-05:00The Top Ten Ways Hillbillies Celebrate the HolidaysThe holidays are truly for the hillbilly.<br />How does the hillbilly and his kin celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, the prince of peace?<br />Well, according to recent local and regional news reports, here are the top ten ways the hillbilly celebrates the holidays:<br /><br /><ol><li>Engaging in extreme forms of domestic abuse.</li><li>Engaging in extreme forms of inner-family relations, i.e. inbreeding.</li><li>Breeding with farm animals. (This is why churches never let a hillbilly near the live nativity.)</li><li>Drinking heavily</li><li>Drinking heavily, then driving the "lead car" in high speed chases.</li><li>Robbing oxycontin from pharmacies.</li><li>Robbing oxycontin from pharmacies that they then sell to produce meth.</li><li>Stealing their children's presents, selling the goods on eBay, then buying oxycontin and meth</li><li>Dressing like Santa, since no one can pull off the obese, unshaven look like the hillbilly.</li><li>Preparing for New Year's Eve by testing their tolerance of alcohol poisoning.</li></ol><br />Here's to a new year without a hillbilly encounter!<br />SmartacusMehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-27597306691882708692007-07-28T09:03:00.000-04:002007-07-28T09:18:10.798-04:00The Desperation of the HillbillyThere is no look more desperate than the look on a Hillbilly's face as he drives into his favorite convenience store in the morning.<br />It's part fear, part pain, part panic. A haunted, hunted expression.<br />Today, I was walking across the parking lot of a convenience store when I saw the first wave of hillbillies. A convoy of beat-up trucks, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">SUVs</span>, and vans belched into the parking lot. (If you incarcerated half of the drug-addled and drink-embalmed hillbillies, you would have carbon offsets to displace a decent industrial province in China. But, that's another post.)<br />I was nearly run over twice, but, I managed to make it to my vehicle for the second half of the parade.<br />Junker after junker zoomed in, catapulted into a parking space (or two), and, just when you thought for sure they were going to crash through glass doors, screeched to a halt.<br />I didn't feel safe enough to venture back across the lot to find out what the object of such an important mission could be, so I waited for them to exit the store.<br />Surely, it must be some kind of medicine. Maybe something for their offspring? Some sustenance so important that time was of the very essence.<br />No...<br />Coffee.<br />Carton of cigarettes.<br />Snuff.<br />These people were risking their lives (and mine) for this?<br />Next year, since we can't afford trips to Spain, as we're all working too hard to keep hillbillies in cigarettes and coffee, you're invited to the first ever Running of the Hillbillies, where you can test your manhood running across the store parking lot in the face of rampaging hillbillies.<br />Ah. Where's <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Hemingway</span> when you need him.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-14191653593048430282007-07-04T08:53:00.000-04:002007-07-04T09:35:39.001-04:00War on Drugs=War on Poverty.The War on Poverty can not be won without a successful war on drugs, and vice-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">versa</span>.<br />That's an uncomfortable thought that doesn't appeal to my libertarian side.<br />And it doesn't sound cool at all. And being cool is more important than being right, just ask Hollywood.<br />But the truth is the truth, no matter how <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">un</span>-hip, how uncomfortable.<br />I came to this realization <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">anecdotally</span> and have yet to find any statistics... likely, because it's a dirty, bureaucratic secret that would be deemed too <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">politically</span> incorrect.<br />Again. Indulge me.<br />I talked to a few police officers who told me that, roughly, 80 percent of their calls are related to substance abuse. The crimes run the gamut... from mundane (drunk and disorderly) to the violent (assaults, rapes, murder). More importantly, these officers stated that an above average number of these calls originate in low-income and section 8 housing, despite, of course, that most residents do not live in such housing.<br /><br />You can do your own studies to confirm this. Check out crime stories and the police log in your local paper. I did and the results were shocking. In a recent story on a drug bust, ALL the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">perps</span> were housed in government-<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">subsidized</span> housing units, even though this was a multi-municipality drug bust.<br /><br />Let's take it another step: more the number of poor who die from alcohol and drug abuse in a month exceeds the number of soldiers that die in Iraq in a year.<br />Wow.<br /><br />Our great and noble WELFARE system is actually <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">ENABLEMENT</span> system. We are paying for people to do drugs. We're, sort of, back-office slave traders who finance the servitude of human beings. We don't want to be troubled with actually helping people; but, we don't want to feel <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">guilty</span>, either.<br />I'm sure that, right about now, the Welfare proponents would say that drug use is caused by the desperation of poverty.<br />To which: I respond, "So what?" I am not arguing cause. I am arguing the relationship between poverty and drug and alcohol abuse. Further, if poverty does indeed cause substance abuse; it certainly does not alleviate the desperation of poverty and, actually, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">exacerbates</span> the pain and hopelessness.<br />The conclusion is inescapable: a welfare system that is genuinely interested in the welfare of able-bodied men and women must... MUST... ensure that the people avoid harm. Recipients of welfare should be randomly drug tested. And, I'll go further, should be tested for alcohol abuse, as well.<br />This, is a key element of turning Welfare society into a Betterment society.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-82859880060129878212007-06-28T05:06:00.001-04:002007-06-28T05:13:37.100-04:00Why Socialized Medicine Can't WorkIf you go to see Sicko, the Michael Moore film, and get all hot and bothered about socialized medicine, or as he refers to it, "free medical care," I got news for you:<br />It won't work.<br />I've seen government-sanctioned hillbillies in action. And it won't work.<br />If it's free, they want it all.<br />They will go to the hospital for every reason. Cold, sniffles, cuts, bruises, VD, you name it.<br />This will eventually choke the system.<br />Here's my take: if the government can't handle Medicare, Medicaid, Veteran's hospitals, or Social Security, how can we trust them to take over medical care for the entire nation?Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-66486290800190415552007-06-27T06:06:00.000-04:002007-06-27T06:12:57.753-04:00The Hillbilly Inverse Work RatioYou rarely see a hillbilly actually working.<br />They are content to sit back on their trailer porches and watch you pass by on your way to your job, knowing that a goodly portion of your money, once watered down by the sponge of beuraucracy, will make its way into their filthy hands.<br />On those rare occasions that you do see a hillbilly working, you'll notice something. It's called Smartacus's Hillbilly Inverse Work Ratio.<br />This law states that for every positive action engaged in by the hillbilly will create an equal opposite action.<br />For instance, I watched a hillbilly work in the "yard" (actually a weed-infested, junk-filled pit) in the hot sun for over two hours. He was actually sweating!<br />When he was done, the place looked worse than before.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-23417495360207430962007-06-20T09:30:00.000-04:002007-06-20T09:37:33.881-04:00FREEDOM!!!I regret being unable to post in the last few months.<br />During this time, I plotted my escape from the Hillbilly Kingdom. Within the next few days, I will be moving to a low Hillbilly area.<br />(And just in time, too. It's fat shorts and shirtless season in the world of the Hillbilly when extra-fat hillbillies flaunt their ample girth.)<br />But, don't worry I have years of stories and lots of connections to the Hillbilly world to keep this blog going indefinitely!Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-40108667658609686202007-03-29T04:49:00.000-04:002007-03-29T05:02:38.251-04:00What I Don't Understand About the Hillbilly<p>The hillbilly is a perplexing entity, to say the least. Foreign. Weird.<br />Here are some of the things I just don't get:</p><ul><li>Why do hillbillies extol the virtues of fast cars when their cars are rusting and stuck on blocks in their front yard?</li><li>Why is that the fatter hillbilly women are, the less clothes they wear?</li><li>Why do hillbillies have multiple dogs and cats... and mistreat all of them?</li><li>Why do hillbillies have tractors and pretend to be farmers... and they can't only seem to grow weeds?</li><li>Why do hillbillies own pickup trucks... and can't tote the garbage from their porch to a dump?</li></ul><p>Indeed, the hillbilly is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, encased in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">camouflage</span>.<br /><br /></p>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-87968466907540812782007-03-27T04:49:00.001-04:002007-03-27T05:05:57.843-04:00Is The Hillbilly Devolving?If you stop by any natural history museum, you will notice that our (we, normal people) ancestors--<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Cro</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Magnon</span>, Australopithecus, and even the unrelated <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Neanderthal</span>--resemble the hillbilly.<br />Both are hunched, hairy, and barely intelligent. (This surely described the hillbilly women.) All that is missing is the bib overalls and stained t-shirt.<br />Why is this?<br />Decades of government subsidies and dependence is rapidly devolving the creature known as the hillbilly into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">pre</span>-modern man.<br />And now, my friend, who was among the town hillbilly (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Hillbillius</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Suburbus</span>) reports the second phase of the hillbilly's devolution is now underway.<br />He reported to me that he saw two grossly overweight hillbillies on scooters ... racing along a busy highway, on their way to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">WalMart</span>. The government, in all its wisdom, is providing people who are obese with the very thing they do not need, a means to be even lazier.<br />These hillbillies aren't handicapped... they're fat! They don't need suburban ATVs, they need to get off their ass and walk. Lose a few pounds. Move.<br />Eventually, the hillbilly will be a mass of fat jiggling in front of a television. They'll be tube fed a mash of Twinkies and malt liquor.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-54386657465429453512007-03-22T04:58:00.000-04:002007-03-22T05:11:21.368-04:00More Hillbillies in the NewsDon't think that all hillbillies are doddering, slobbering, half-brain dead fools; some of them are murderous sodomites... and doddering, slobbering, half-brain dead fools.<br />Consider the case of the boy in Georgia, who was allegedly killed by a family of his hillbilly neighbors. The son who has just been indicted in this crime is a convicted a child molester. The parents were probably molesters... they just never got caught.<br />You can read it <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17722385/">here</a>.<br />Here's the charming hillbilly family (from the sheriff department's files):<br /><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5044671609703920114" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfYzycG_uvbhHz3zFF7oaVZFA91F67ilfofxipSNDn7pqA2zxSlMHId0JEmwVT6jk7xgC2KxUiTYnC171H62MskICZ3wZlapBy7tR1vUvpd7DS3J2n7lMfxngrY9Hul4RnFeTEvyy4bKI/s400/kidkillers.jpg" border="0" />Apparently, this bunch lived right next to a bus stop. Some do-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">gooder</span> had a rule that required convicted child molesters live at least 1,000 feet from a bus stop tied up in court. Maybe this person and their lawyers should spend some time in a cell with this Hillbilly Addams family.<br />There is some good news: it looks as though they're going for the death sentence.<br /></p>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-12439897681681317782007-03-21T06:41:00.000-04:002007-03-21T07:58:37.576-04:00An Uncivil Union<div>I am a supporter of Prop 186, which would ban ALL hillbilly marriages and civil unions.<br />Allowing hillbillies to marry is an abomination to the sanctity of the marriage vows and threatens to legitimize the status of hillbillies in our culture.<br />In fact, hillbillies do not marry to express love for one another; nor, do they marry to establish a familial unit.<br />As the following photographic evidence indicates, hillbillies marry to look like idiots and to create yet another excuse to drink and fight (as if four-day binges for Arbor Day and President's Day are not excuse enough).<br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div align="center">(Note the dog is the most intelligent, attractive creature in the following photo.)</div><br /><br /><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5044327565643641282" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNhZBfGPXuMg3Wuh-wkmof7uQAzHgcCbpGrHUR5tbqaGCX7hGhrzZDff2DeDiZRVWqndAeQol8ru_hYtiXBtpvCipJNDeLz6ur0fW-s6bMH5pUD0igS3w7hJ6koOwm2UAT-PFcyYKLDh4/s400/weddings.jpg" border="0" /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><p>(This is a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hoity</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">toity</span> hillbilly affair. Notice the groom and cousin of the bride is not bare foot and is, instead, wearing flip-flops, or "rubber treads," as the hillbilly calls them.</p><br /><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5044328360212591058" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2S5jdqNdsT4ehsB9NWTiA1i27Kbq8d-0cRhpeAnvZGhtVOD-Qz1lZEYh_Mmiz-82VgxsAzl7-S9MQrlYDIO57KuiYLzkTAx2FnV55WPdptm5uqs2FHeI-5EhrPEZyZhk_mcNwRq7ZjBw/s400/hillbillywedding.jpg" border="0" />(Finally, the hillbilly "theme" wedding, which is usually a reference to the hillbilly's inclination to wanton destruction.)</p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5044345887974126050" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXGMRX8ykU95gp25MWJtYtSb1AsjRBfGUjinjGrknn0HBcK82tDzy8KFfsK29klMOTY_bwwWX8QcpLM2AM9cXsKNUlzFK09pmaS5aDA5j9Di6-mj1aL-ENuIvZVIyF85rQG65v73xqJVE/s400/unknown+(2).JPG" border="0" /><br /><p><br /></p><br /><p></p><br /><br /><p></p></div>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-68388826292773256392007-03-20T04:45:00.000-04:002007-03-29T19:32:01.833-04:00Hillbilly HaikuAh. More hillbilly hate.<br />Here's the definition of <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hillbilly+haiku">Hillbilly Haiku</a> by a perceptive user of the <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/">Urban Dictionary</a>:<br /><br /><em>hillbilly haiku<br /></em><a onclick="thumbs.click(1473057, 0)" href="javascript:void(0)"></a><br /><em>A poem, spoken by hillbillies, that *sounds* something like haiku but doesn't scan like it. A hillbilly haiku doesn't fit the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, or even have three lines, because hillbillies can't count.</em><br /><em></em><br />This is a fun writing exercise.<br />Here are a couple of my own Hillbilly <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Haikus:</span><br /><br /><em><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">didja</span> git yer buck<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">didja</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">didja</span>?<br />ma rack's bigger</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>At car's too quiet</em><br /><em>Silence. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Unrattled</span></em><br /><em>What I need a muffler fer</em><br /><em></em><br /><em><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Childrens</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">cryin</span></em><br /><em>Nothing to eat</em><br /><em>Why they so fat, though?</em>Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5314848646823934601.post-63750764063722268532007-03-18T16:50:00.000-04:002007-03-19T04:46:09.837-04:00Old as the HillbilliesI went shopping in hillbilly land today.... scary stuff.<br />The hillbilly was out in all his and her ragged glory.<br />One observation: the hillbilly does not age gracefully. It seems hillbillies age rather like you and me until about age 14; then, they turn 92. For the female hillbilly, the transformation is quite dramatic--wrinkles appear like a relief map on their face, their hair gets stringy and greasy, and their bodies well up like parade balloons.<br />When an old hillbilly woman appears, normal children scatter in front of her.<br />Perhaps this ability to scare children is abhorrent to the Hillbilly male; a full 68 percent of hillbilly males decide to look like Santa Claus as the age. They let their hair and food-embedded beards turn white (although the premature grey could come from looking at their women all the time). Then, they add bib overalls and a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">camouflage</span> baseball cap to the ensemble to complete the hillbilly Santa Claus look.<br />The old hillbilly man seems to relish this Santa status and the approving smiles he gets from normal folks. It's as if, for one time in his life, he has received some shred of acceptance from society at large.<br />I am not sure whether we as a society should embrace this transformation. The Santa billy does seem more mellow than other hillbillies; but, until we can get evidence that the Santa billy showers regularly and is off government assistance, it's still important for parents to train their children to know and despise the hillbilly in all his and her manifestations.Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08037716003212402880noreply@blogger.com0